In the beginning of November I can feel myself shutting down, wanting to wrap myself up inside myself and cry. No, not cry: howl in misery and sob with great breathless gasping for air gulps with both my nose and my eyes unable to be dried. On November 11, 2012 my sister Ellen---what?--- passed? left this world? met her Maker? went to heaven? I dont know. I cant find a word or a phrase that expresses the raw ugliness of the continuing pain that has found a home in my soul. I know how and where to find comfort...I take it first to the Lord and then, sometimes, I decorate my own mind with whatsoever is lovely... Last night before I went to sleep I began to count on my fingers the most special women who have been such great and precious friends to me...friends (including my sisters) who have shared their lives with me as I have shared mine with them. I counted more than fifteen before I fell asleep...grateful...and I knew that today was coming... And today Ive thought of Ellen...all day... I thought of how we havent lived in the same state since the 70s but talked on the phone and visited each other every chance we could. She came to see me in CA and I went to see her in NJ, she came to see me in NC and I went to see her in NJ, she came to see me in PA and I went to see her in NJ, she came to see me in TN and I went to see her in NJ. I thought of how we took each other to church and museums and gardens and plays and hospital rooms and lectures and auctions and and how every time we saw each other we gave each other some art print or trinket or memento that we had picked up just for you but had ever gotten around to sending, because its so much more fun to give and receive in person, ya know? I though of how we shared a love for Jesus and each others kids (her MaryAnne, Franc, Rosemary, Christine and John) and each others husbands (her Frank) and politics (with differing points of view) and flowers and civil rights and the right to life and stuffed cabbage and Jeopardy! I thought of how the last time I went to see her (in NJ!) we sat close together on her sofa, holding hands, watching Jeopardy. I love being here with you, I said, I love you, El. Yes, she said, were good together. Ellen lives in heaven now... and all day today Ive carried some rosemary in my pocket...for remembrance. Dont try to fix it, please...its not fixable.
Posted on: Wed, 12 Nov 2014 00:08:33 +0000
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