Infatuation Something written at the peak of my writing abilities, titled Infatuation I think that many people will always have a thing for “the one that got away”. When you become that infatuated by somebody you stop looking at them as a person and start looking at them more as a work of art. And you want to know everything about them, the sound of their laugh, the way they drink their coffee, their favourite book and mostly you don’t really know any of these things but you lay in bed and dream the answers, their name is your favourite word and sometimes it seems so hard not to lose yourself forever in this mesmerising sea of possibility. And of course there are all the physiological symptoms too, like the way all the blood in your body rushes up to your head in a dizzying wave every time you catch a glimpse of somebody who vaguely resembles them, or the sickening way your heart beats double speed when your eyes lock, or the way your tongue seems to have lost the ability to formulate words when they speak to you. And maybe years later in the arms of your spouse you will wake up and dream of them and remember that sheer longing that felt like it nearly killed you and maybe you will wonder if things might have been different. But thats the thing, things would never have been different. Because you probably romanticised them beyond recognition and that’s not real and that’s not love. You probably wanted them so much that it was the only thing in the world that mattered to you, they were your prized posession and they were more important than being a good friend, a good person or a good student. And you might always get that magical feeling about them and at random intervals throughout your life find yourself longing for that little sliver of time when they were maybe almost yours and hate yourself for wishing that you could have your time again so you could play your cards differently. But it doesn’t matter that you will always feel like that or that it never really goes away and most years you just pretend to forget, you will just need to realise that maybe the things you were longing for during those excruciating periods of transition were all the missing parts of yourself. And wasn’t it so enchanting to think that this amazing, beautiful, unique person could come along and make you whole? And really, it’s not so bad to be obsessed by that idea, it’s totally natural. But don’t make the mistake of really believing that it was the other person you were wanting, you were really just aching for all the missing parts of yourself and trying desperately fill the emptiness in your life and had done a wildly good job of convincing yourself of the intoxicating notion that this other person had all the answers. Most of us are still trying to reconcile ourselves with the fact that no matter how blessed we are, how many years have passed, or how hard we have tried to move on we can never really forget and the feeling never truly goes away. But that’s definitely okay.
Posted on: Sun, 21 Dec 2014 19:58:31 +0000
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