Insert #92 I got home and ran up to my room locking the door - TopicsExpress

Insert #92 I got home and ran up to my room locking the door behind me. Why does it hurt so much? Its been days since Lisa was burried but the pain was still the same. Like a new wound, it wasnt getting any better. I got into bed and slept. When i woke up it was after 6 in the evening. I checked my phone, had several missed calls from both my parents and Phawu. I went to wash my face then went down to eat. They were all there indulging in a deep conversation. I just passed them went to the kitchen, made myself a sandwich with grape juice and went back to my room without a word to them, ate then slept again. I woke up later than usual the following day. I checked my phone then went to shower. Decided i was gonna take a walk just to kill time cause sitting around doing nothing all day was gonna drive me insane! After bathing i went down to eat then took my walk. I was just walking around Sandhurst not knowing exactly where i was going. It was kinda windy outside so it made me feel refreshed. For the forst time in days i was able to smile. I thought about all the great memories i had with Lukha, Bokang and Lisa. Yes, it was hard to accept the circumstances but i knew i had to let go of Lisa for my own sanity. I finally got to the park and sat down near some daisy flowers. I started picking up the flowers and playing with them alone. A while later i felt someone touching my shoulders. I turned to look who it was only to find Brandon standing right behind me smiling like an idiot. Honestly, i was in no mood for him but another part of me was very happy to see him. He looked different in a good way. He was now more muscular, had a lil beard and his hair had grown a little too. I stood up, dusted myself and looked at him too. I couldnt help but smile at him. He opened his arms allowing me to hug him. I hugged him and he held me tightly for dear life. I couldnt help but cry. It was just too painful. I wished it was Bokang who was giving me that hug, i longed to be in Bokangs arms but he wasnt there. He couldnt be there. I longed to hear his voice telling me that all will be well. Promising to stick by me all the time. I missed Bokang but he wasnt there and Brandon seemed like the second best option. Yes, we had our arguements, we fought a lot and the last time we spoke we were both angry at each other but honestly i was had a thing with the guy and we all know that feelings dont just fade away. And at that moment i desperately needed comfort from someone who understood me. Someone who would not jugde me. Despite everything i knew Brandon cared and loved me. I broke the hug and he wiped away my tears. Brandon: im sorry... I just looked at him and said nothing. I was tired of hearing that word, tired of people apologising for the pain that i was feeling. I just needed to be in his arms, not talking but just being in his arms. He sat down and made me to sit on his lap. He cupped my face in his hands and kissed my foreheand the he made me rest my head on his chest while he brushed my back. At that moment i even regreted dating Bokang. Maybe i should have stayed with Brandon, maybe if i had chosen Brandon over Bokang my little sister would still be alife, my twin would be perfectly fine, Bokang would be with his family and i wouldnt be pregnant. Why did i even choose Bokang vele? Why didnt i just choose Brandon cause honestly yena i did love him. Kodwa life is unfair at times, i found myself crying once again. I hated the person i was becoming, i hated that fact that i had to cry everytime. I hated the fact that i was in pain and there was nothing i could do about it. I hated the myself for choosing Bokang over Brandon. I cursed the day i met Bokang. I hated him too, i hated the fact that he was the reason behind my little sisters death, the reason why my brother was in a coma and mainly because he made me pregnant and now he was fighting for his life in hospital. Why did he even choose to spin the car? Why did he not try to stop the car? Why why? Why? I couldnt help but cry. Brandon tried so hard to calm me down but he failed dismally. I was now crying out loud. The pain was slowly creeping in once again, my heart was way too heavy, all this was just too much for me to handle. The pain was getting worse every minute. I just wanted to die. I saw no reason to live. If this is how life was supposed to be like than im better off dead than alife cause the pain was just beyond my control. I hated Bokang for causing all this but mostly i hated myself for choosing him over Brandon. If i had stayed with Brandon non of this would have happened. :( :( :( ubomi bunzima :( :( :(