Is it really worth leaving over? I have thought about asking for advice about my relationship on here before but I have noticed that the overwhelming majority of responses to questions relating to domestic violence are just to leave. I am not against women leaving violent relationships, if that is what they want, but for many, like me, it isnt an option we consider. I have written to other advice sites before and, although I was overwhelmed by the encouragement and support for leaving, it didnt change my mind at all. My husband is simply an angry person. He doesnt help out with housework or the kids and he doesnt like to be questioned. I wouldnt call what he does emotional abuse, as he isnt constantly putting me down, but would class most of it as just threatening or intimidating behaviour as a means of control. When we argue he throws what I would describe as a tantrum- yelling and screaming, breaking things, throwing things at me, occasionally grabbing me hard by the arms and shaking me. If I am careful not to upset him or break any of the unwritten rules then this is quite rare and we get along just fine. He also drinks quite excessively and on very rare occasions when he is extremely intoxicated (from a full day and night of drinking) he has the tendency to get much more physical and his behaviour would certainly be seen as physical abuse in these instances, but I have become quite good at predicting these events and can generally avoid being alone with him when he is in this state. He is also very jealous, calls me frequently and accuses me of cheating, but doesnt stop me working or seeing friends. None of the issues he has could be resolved by my leaving. He would still be angry, probably more so, the only difference would be that he would be alone with my children. I agree that children suffer growing up around violence, but leaving my husband wouldnt solve this- the only real solution would be to go back in time and choose a better father for my children before they were born. Leaving now would be worse for them, as they would be alone with him when he is cranky, without me there to deflect his anger, or, if he were to get a new partner, then they would be witnessing the same things they are now. I have read enough and seen enough of my friends go through the process to know that things would get much worse if I left and that he would maintain some form of custody, which is why leaving is just not an option for me. I would really like advice from other women in my situation who have stayed about gentle/subtle ways to change or reduce aggressive behaviour and whether they have been able to improve their situation in any way without leaving.
Posted on: Mon, 10 Nov 2014 01:00:00 +0000
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