It seems this is long overdue. I have my reasons for it being such, but I do believe I should tell you about something amazing. Im healed. I have been set free of the bondage of mental illness. Back in 2008 I had been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar 2, PTSD, agoraphobia and anxiety disorder. However I had been suffering from it since I was a young teenager at least, we just didnt know it. 2008 was when I was checked into the mental hospital because I wanted to commit suicide. What I didnt tell people was why until a year or two later. I was convinced my piano teacher was going to kill me because of my poor performance in class and I wanted to kill myself because I would bring about a kinder end. No my piano teacher offered no indication that he cared one way or another how I performed that day. I was just in an episode and my ability to reason was taken from me. For years I suffered with painful depressions, highs that would have me spending hundreds of dollars, panic attacks that had me cowering in the corner of a store screaming in fright, voices following me everywhere I went, seeing people that werent really there and paranoid delusions that had me fearing for safety and refusing to sleep. I lost everything to this illness, my relationships with family and friends, my ability to take care of myself even the ability to complete simple tasks like finding a pen to write with. I lost me. A few people stayed in my life but our relationship had to change. I needed others to care for me. I needed them to aid me in everyday tasks like grocery shopping or cleaning. I remember once my friend opened my refrigerator and all that was in there were condiments. She went out and bought me food because I hadnt been capable of doing so. I was declared permanently disabled by the court and obtained SSDI. Before that I was under a government program that would pay for my medication that costed my parents nearly a grand a month but I could only make or be given a total monthly amount of $350 otherwise I would loose the program. It was tough, my family saw me through it though. Still I worked hard not to allow the disease to have full control of me. I knew I was at constant risk of being a shut in so I went out with safe people a few times a week. When I needed to spend money Mom would give me her debit card and a grocery list. I would never betray her trust and only buy what was on the list. I went to church. I even managed to fly to Cali for 6 weeks alone and complete a service dog trainer intensive. I volunteered and always tried to look outside myself as the disease would demand I only focus on myself. Most of all I continued chasing God. I loved God with all my heart just as I did before my illness and as I do after my illness. I never lost my heart for him and I know he is proud of me. During this time I met my wonderful husband who was willing to take on all my crazy. Thankfully a year ago, the april before we were married, God decided now was the time to heal me. I went up during alter call for healing (mind you I had done this many times before.) and during the prayer I felt and watched as God repaired my damaged mind. It would be very difficult for me to explain the difference. If you have never been in a world without logic then you have nothing to compare it to and if you currently live in that world you no longer have a way of understand the world you left behind. But if you are like me you know that there are no words that can explain it just a mutual understanding of the incredible difference. Still I will say this. God has been so gracious to fix what had been broken in my life but that was only the beginning. I have a lot of hard work to do myself with His help. I have had to relearn life skills. Ive had to push myself to learn to handle stress. When I went into the store it wasnt that my anxiety was suddenly gone rather I now had the ability to push through it. I still had to teach myself that I am safe. There are many things Im still working on. I failed college twice while I was sick. I m heading back to college but it took over six months of fretting and worrying and dealing with my self image to even apply to a college. Im still struggling with fear in that. Im working on the stubborn weight I had gained while on those medications. Learning to take care of a house, to manage a budget. So many things I am having to learn but God is seeing me through it. In April of 2013 I was healed from mental illness by the grace of God alone. Since April 2013 I have been off all medication with no relapse or episodes. I continued to maintain regular visits to both my psychiatrist and councilor for year after my healing and now they have put me on a come only when needed basis. My illness has been documented in my medical records and the changes after God touched it, as did my healing of heart disease has. God is good.
Posted on: Fri, 25 Jul 2014 19:23:15 +0000
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