It still puzzles me how I can wake up and think I am o.k. only to emotionally crash a short time later, so much so that to even “think” about writing a post wears me out and I am unable to muster up the strength to do so. I thought it was due to my expectations that Saturdays would just be a wash out for a long time because they just SUCK but I don’t think it is that, I believe the reason I can’t function on Saturdays is because it’s the day of the week that claimed my baby girl, the day of the week that I stopped living. It’s the day that I try to stay so busy that I hope to collapse from exhaustion but somehow before that can happen Saturday captures my soul and digs a big hole for Sybil to come into. I thought I was off to a good start yesterday, I made plans to spend a few hours with a very good friend of mine who allowed me to freely talk about Corrie, to cry in public and who cried in public with me not caring about the people around us staring and probably wondering WTH? Thank you Pam Hofmann for all of the above and never hesitating to use Corrie’s name and the word “death”. I know it was hard but you did it Toots! From there, I went to get my first ever facial. A generous gift from Valerie Henke Lang. Her sweet and generous soul thought this broken mommy could use some TLC and my friend, you were so right! What a relaxing and peace filled hour you gave me. I felt pampered and SAFE because I know anything I may say will not leave the walls of your salon. If any of you need a relaxing facial, PM me and I’ll give your Val’s contact number. Thank you Val and God bless you and your family. On the way home, I stopped at Belle’s grave, it was wet and muddy, but the rain stopped long enough for me wipe the mud off her headstone. I knew between the rain and the visit, I was heading to the emotional cellar, so I decided on the drive home I was not going to go online because I couldn’t bring myself to read any messages. I knew I couldn’t remain too positive and believe with all my heart that GOD would not want me to answer any messages with my negative view of things at that moment. So once again, as I sat on my couch, petting my Chandler the Doglinquent, trying to talk myself into believing I was doing the right thing and seeing his accusatory big ol’ brown eyes, I also knew that feeling of being “pushed” so I gave in and logged on. There were 9 messages and I saw one that I had to open. It came from a man I didn’t know but sent me a msg. asking me to call because his daughter was killed in an accident. He and his wife were the newest members of the club. I have to be honest with you, my insides began to shake….”NO GOD, NOT ME I CAN’T HELP ANYONE ELSE, NO NO NO“……yep, I called and left him a message, feeling good that I did what God wanted me to do….not so lucky. God wasn’t finished with me yet. Once again, I felt pushed to actually meet with this couple and not only that, I feel I was being led to bring Ronnie into all of this. Knowing my husband, I just knew he would NEVER agree to this, this wasn’t something he did. He is too shy and quiet, so I called thinking Ronnie would give me my ticket out of this. He was on the farm and I said “Babe, I know you are going to think I’ve lost it but I believe God wants us, no needs us to go to this family who lost their beautiful daughter. This daddy needs to know you can survive the death of your princess, just barely, but can survive.” I didn’t think it was possible for my very quiet hubby to become even more quiet, but he did, and then I couldn’t believe my ears when I heard him say “I’ll be another 45 minutes on the farm and then will come home to shower and change”. Dang Nabbit God, didn’t I say earlier NO NOT ME????????????????? Romans 12:2 - Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. I am not going to share anything more of our visit because I don’t really know this couple and don’t know if they would appreciate the intrusion of their privacy was. I want to leave it at please, this couple is in dire need of prayers. They are at a place, through no fault of their own, could go either for or against God. If you read this, please hang in there and turn your pain to God, REMEMBER IT ISN’T GOD’S FAULT. On the way home, I looked at my husband, told him thank you and he looked at me and we both knew without words what this couple will begin to face. We know what lies ahead for this family and that no human can help them. I also realized how much my Ronnie has carried me through as we trudge down the path of our LIFEMARE. Sometimes it can feel like this path is covered with heavy pancake syrup and as we start to walk down it we are up to our hips in syrup but still try to walk through it. One step forward, 5 steps back, on breath. That is our new dance……hate it! I will close with a message to our beauty Corrie: Baby doll we miss you more and more as each day goes by, not less, MORE. I still can’t believe you are really gone. Please sweetheart, we need you to come to us in our dreams. Trying to keep my promise to you but feel like I can’t. Why in the world did I think I could promise you I wouldn’t be sad anymore????????????? I HATE YOU SYBIL. Corrie, ILY to Heaven and back Baby. I know we will see you again, so save a spot on your cloud for your mommy and daddy. Day of Rest, 3 kisses and three words: I Love You. It may be the last words you speak or your loved one hear. God bless, LET GO LET GOD, Dimes, pink skies & stars, mismatched socks, magic rocks. lost crock pots, wet puppy dog smells, quiet time, holding hands, I LOVE YOU’s, 3 kisses, summer rains, strong daddies, HOPE, PB&J sandwiches, two handed hugs, double rainbows, wax paper art, Angel feathers, FAITH and Unicorns.
Posted on: Sun, 12 Oct 2014 15:02:51 +0000
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