It was a nightmare!It happened so that,I suffered from,”post partum blue”,i.e after delivery I had obsessive compulsive disorder(ocd},where..icould notbreak the chain of silly thoughts which came to my mind…hygiene related problems and so on and so forth Ialso had depression, which still persists but now I can overcome it.This battle with ocd and depression lasted for 2 and half year. I had to struggle with activities like shifting and lifting my baby from one place to another,as he was just 1 month old,ihad fears of harming him while carrying and fear regarding his safety.only thing which I was able to do is to feed him. Every one would come and lift and hug my babyand my heart overwhelmed with sorrow and tears rolled down my cheeks as I could not lift and hug my baby. My younger sister played an important role in making me better…she asked me to meet a psychiatrist to which I first was reluctant but then I agreed to do so….after meeting him I could hold my baby ofcourse with less perfection. My mother_in law and my hubby also encouraged me and helped me a lot.people came and asked me whether I would ever lift my baby and wold utter bitter words which I knew one day they have to swallow back…I woul weep and cry when alone…. Trust In god was not over but my mind did not allow me to pray….but I knew god heard my silent prayers which I muttered during lifting my baby…I could hold my baby from the very fifth month….my heart was overwhelmed with joy ,this time and tears rolled domn my cheeks out of happiness. I also had suicidal thoughts…when everything was fine…..it started 6 months back and persisted till day before yester day…yes I can say that I am totally alright now…. I meet another psychiatrist for second opinion…he said..”depression is temporary but sucide is permanent…and no body can replace a mother….that sentence changed my life forever…. Once I took the blade…with intention of killing myself…then I stopped… My hubby was always worried as to how I fought the battle alone and all….he was proud that I never took extreme step… Aahan….my son……which means dawn….was my priority…yes though aaghaaz of my aahan was not good but anjaam was the best…istated finding god in him and my self and was feeling like I am god…as an author said,”the aim of drama called life is to find that you are god…..we are not human beings gaining spiritual experiences but spiritual beings gaining human experiences Yes Aahan helped me in finishing all my fuss relted to hygiene,as he did poti and I had to clear it…I did not get time to get my hair done…to clean my bedsheet and all….my body was sore sometimes and mind was bored but looking at aahan I could not stop myself from smiling…I had no time to think reaptedly as my baby kept me busy the whole day long I cant forget my mother in america who was absent in this whole episode but not absent from my heart and mind….she said…I feel the feel you feel…encouraged me….advised me always…my grand mother also played an important role as she welcomed me with open arms….during my 8th month of delivery till…after delivery i.e till aahan was 1 month old….her body ached but she was very careful that mine should not……. She made goodies for me…took care of mr… Then I had to leave for sasural…..struggle started there after a monyh….even thoug every thing from my figure to ..fitting of my chappls to health of me and my baby to relations with family members was good….sucidal thoughts did not end…all used to say we cant enter your mind…you have to help your self and I was helpless…I was broken….cried for help but in vain….yes some battles of life have to be fought alone and finally today I am successful….my psychiatrist is positive now…. All said and done,the message is …whatever happens,happens for good…delivering a healthy baby in this world is one of the best deed in the world….being a fit mother also is important….. So happy motherhood!
Posted on: Sat, 07 Jun 2014 12:41:58 +0000
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