It was definitely an emotionally packed day. I was blessed to have breakfast with a special lady that I’ve known for a long time, but mostly thru conventions. She is one of the two women that came to my rescue last night when a lady verbally attacked me. Her boyfriend is a kind man and we had a lovely time chatting about all kinds of things. They know a lady that is struggling with an illness right now and hopefully she will call and I can share how I am looking at my illness. That is a very small way I hope to have the chance to pay forward all I am being given. I went upstairs to pack my stuff and while waiting for the bellman things started to hit me. The convention was about over, the one thing I have been looking forward to since my diagnosis, and it is time to put on my big girl pants because chemo is just around the corner. I couldn’t stop crying. I left a message for my sponsor. The bellman I requested was the first person I saw when I pulled up to the hotel. It turned out he has 20 years in AA and is a cancer survivor himself. We chatted and he told me he has a friend that is a breast cancer survivor. He was going to see her tonight and ask if I could call her. Gratefully I was able to help my friend Deborah sell CD’s for a little while after the speaker meeting let out. I normally help her more, but didn’t have the energy this weekend. Of course she understood. She also offered to come up from Jacksonville and stay with me when I needed her to. I could take up the next 3 pages with all the wonderful gifts I received this weekend. The people that said kind things, offered to help me, gave me loving hugs, etc. I try, but still have trouble with the fact that I need so much help right now. As my spiritual sister reminds me, “I know how to give and take…I need to learn how to receive”. There is a difference. My friend Becky came over and helped me unpack and straighten things up so the cleaning lady can come Tuesday. I’ve been pretty weak by the time I need to do certain things and needed help straightening out. On the one hand I was embarrassed and on the other grateful to have known someone for 19 years and feeling safe in the fact that she wouldn’t judge me. We laughed, I cried and we had a lovely afternoon together. Another friend’s husband came over to help fix a toilet. In the end he changed something in all 3 bathrooms and changed light bulbs as well. I can’t even change a light bulb in my ceiling fan right now. It was the first time we met, and I truly was a bit embarrassed. At the end of the day, I can’t save my ass and face at the same time. His generosity was amazing. He said he will help me with whatever I need done in the house. He even offered to go to the grocery store for me. I took a nap and decided I needed to get all the chemo prescriptions and other stuff they suggested I pick up tonight and not wait till tomorrow. It worked out well because I need to have one of the prescriptions changed. I have a neighbor that is single and has free time due to her job as a flight attendant. I asked her to take me and she graciously agreed. It isn’t that I can’t drive there, it is that I can’t get the groceries in the house. I picked up prepared fish and veggies and ate a small but healthy amount of food tonight. I had an interesting realization driving home from the convention…I had my hair colored purple Thursday night and went to the convention Friday. I got all kinds of positive feedback from my NA family. Now I have this lovely purple hair and have to go out in public, where people aren’t nearly as spiritual or understanding. It was fun and funny going to Kroger. I need to remember that I don’t owe strangers an explanation and my friends love and support me. I do need to admit I am a bit self-conscious, but who cares. I was very emotional with my sponsor about not wanting to be so needy, while being grateful for all the help I am being offered. Once I actually know what I need, I will get to practice more humility and ask people for help. Hopefully because so many people have offered, I won’t have to bother any one person too much. I think the crying did me good, and is probably normal under the circumstances. I don’t start chemo until Wednesday. I have 2 days that will be filled with work, friends, therapy and whatever else Gd puts on my path. Oh, I keep forgetting to mention something. Apparently I haven’t written that my cancer is Stage 1B. It was suggested I say that so people don’t think I have one foot in the grave. My oncologist is being aggressive with the chemo so I have the best chance of the cancer never returning. There was a small micro metastasis, but it was quite negligible. I’m tired tonight…didn’t go to my NA meeting this evening, even though I wanted to see everyone. I need to be very aware of my energy level and not use my arms too much. I overdid it today and paid the price. I know Gd handpicked each of you to help me on this journey. You are loved and appreciated more than you know. Hugs!!!
Posted on: Mon, 31 Mar 2014 01:23:59 +0000
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