It was the darkest positive I had ever had on a pregnancy test. My other two pregnancies the line was so faint i could barely believe it. Not this time, this was undoubtedly a positive! The doctor confirmed it and my due date was 6/22/15. I had such joy, a week of joy.....but something was different, and I would tell people that and theyd say Maybe its a girl this time. Maybe, but that wasnt it. I had went to my parents house that night, and I knew something was wrong, I prayed that Jesus could let me keep this baby. My baby. But even if He does not…I made the decision to live right there on those words.Even if He does not… He is still able and good and worthy of my devotion. As I closed my eyes I saw Jesus, and he hugged me, placed his hand on my belly...then I woke up. It was 4am, Nolan was crying, the pain started, the terrible pain that I recognized as labor pain, contractions. I cried as I tried calling my husband over and over. For 30 minutes, as Nolan continued to scream. I left the boys with my little brother and drove the 40 minutes home. I didnt see one other car the whole way, it was dark and raining and cold. The hysterical sobs that came from me no one else heard, except Jesus. I held my legs together like I could stop it from happening. I got home and my husband understood what my lips could not say and drove me to the ER. There was no sense of urgency. They knew what I was refusing to admit to myself, that nothing can stop it. Nothing could stop my sweet baby from being ripped from me. I held onto hope as they drew my blood, administered morphine and the pain increased. I held out hope until that ultrasound. My babies first ultrasound. I listened so intently for that heartbeat. Nothing. Thats when all hope left me. I dont remember much after, except it took awhile to get me out of the bathroom that had sent me in to clean myself up I had never felt so empty, my heart had never known such pain. The cries that left me are the cries that only another mother who suffered loss would recognize. After that it was quiet. There was no rushing. There was nothing left to fight for. I didn’t have to convince someone I needed help. I didn’t have to plead a case of desperation. Hope was gone. Fear was gone. My baby was gone. It was all over. My body that was designed to protect my child had betrayed it. I sat there with a cold numbness. My baby had died. That morning, we had prayed. We prayed harder than we have ever prayed. I had laid my head against my husband’s chest and cried out for God to save the life of my sweet baby. I pleaded for Him to intervene. Jesus, please dont take my baby I had hysterically cried over and over. I trust your plan, Jesus, but please dont make taking my baby part of it. But he did. He had. Its taken me a week now to understand the goodness of God had not changed because of the brokenness of this world. He still loves me. He saw me in all of it, and He was right there with me. Because even though the baby has died, I cant lose my Jesus too. I couldn’t believe that He had done this TO me. I couldn’t make Him the bad guy and blame Him and yet run to find comfort and peace in Him. I needed Him more than ever… and when I blessed His name, I found peace. Because the truth is, He is good.When bad things happen, God is still good.I asked Him to show me where He was while all of this was happening, and He did.He was right there with me as I discovered that I was pregnant. He shared in my joy. He was with me when the pain began, and He held me close. As frustrations led to desperation, He told me, “You are not alone.”As fear whispered in the waiting room, “You will never know this joy.” He whispered, “My daughter. That is a lie. Joy will be yours.” He held me as that little life slipped into His arms. He wept with me at the brokenness of this world…He promised that the story wasn’t finished and that one day, I would meet my sweet baby in Heaven. And then, He gently put the broken pieces of my heart back together and sang with me as I remembered how to praise. He is my friend. He is my comforter. He is my healer and my redeemer. He is my refuge. He is my joy. I have trusted God through grief, and I have rejoiced with Him in gladness. This one thing I know, His worthiness is not dependent upon the outcome of our prayer. He is good and His goodness endures forever.Friends, there is hope after miscarriage. There is hope after death. There is hope after devastation. There is hope when the prayer isn’t answered. There is hope when the bills aren’t paid and the baby is hungry. There is hope when your husband leaves and says he is done. There is hope after cancer. There is hope during cancer. There is hope when the war is raging. There is hope in Christ alone. My prayer is that you would come to know that hope as well.❤🌠👣💞 Each new life,no matter how brief, forever changes the world.” ❤11/2/14❤
Posted on: Tue, 11 Nov 2014 16:05:50 +0000
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