Its Mental Health Week this week, so I thought Id repost a blog piece I wrote for World Suicide Prevention Day a little while a go. I hope you find this valuable. Peace fam. Hope you’re all doing well. I want to take this opportunity while the spotlight is on me to share something that I think is important. In recent times, we’ve seen many people, from celebrities to our own friends, take their own lives. Mental health is no joke. It’s important that we speak about it. Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I know many of you see me as a strong and powerful figure, and I like to think of myself as one also. But those in my inner circle know I have my own battles too. I’ve dealt with anxiety for the majority of my life, and I want to take share a bit of my story in hopes it’ll reach those who need it most. I can’t remember the first time I felt anxious. I do know, however, that for most of my teens, I’d often find myself feeling really tense and emotional. Many times, my body would be doing things I felt I couldn’t control, like my heart rate being so intense and fast, or I’d be nauseous or feel like throwing up. Human beings learn to adapt. We’re really good at doing so. And so over the years, I learnt to adapt. I didn’t know why these things were happening to me but I figured it was just my thing. I realised it was a problem when I started to figure out my purpose in life. When I found music and grew a desire to tackle stages, to perform and travel, I realised I was facing a huge problem. I found myself slowly becoming aware of what was going on in my head. I found myself constantly avoiding opportunities because of my anxiety (which I still didn’t realise was anxiety at the time). I didn’t want to be in a position where I was on stage, for example, and then feel so sick and embarrass myself. Or I didn’t want to be out on tour, in public settings and start to feel sick. I didn’t realise I was negating myself of all the opportunities I wanted. One day I had told myself, enough’s enough. My desire to fulfil my dreams outgrew how I was feeling. When I started to reach out to people to tell them how I was feeling, I learnt what I was feeling was anxiety. I did a whole bunch of research and spoke to a lot of people from all walks of life. Through that process, I learnt that feelings (emotional or physical) don’t come out of nowhere. They all stem from a source inside of us, and they usually begin with a thought, whether we are conscious of that thought or not. See, as individuals, sometimes we do a terrible job of actually sitting down in silence and listening openly, honestly and non-judgementally to the thoughts going on in our head. All emotions stem from somewhere. It may be our personal history repeating itself; a learned behaviour we haven’t consciously realised is a learned behaviour. I say that because I know for YEARS I wasn’t conscious of what I was doing; of all the opportunities I was turning down because of how I was feeling. It had become a natural response which I thought was gut instinct, when in reality, I was robbing myself of what I wanted. Sometimes those thoughts and feelings clouded my vision for the future. Sometimes they made me question those visions and sometimes, when I went through it worst, they erased them completely. But know that your visions (both big and small) can and do come back. I’ll give you 2 examples from my life. The first being all the times I refused to go eat out with mates because of my fear of how my body would react. For years, I just turned down those opportunities, thinking I just didn’t enjoy eating out. I never made the connection to my anxiety until years later, and when I did, I realised how much I was missing out on. I love eating out with mates, now that I can do it. I love exploring new foods and spending time with people I love. But for years I had robbed myself of those opportunities without consciously knowing why. I did the same with many gigs and workshop opportunities early in my music career. I’d say no to them thinking they weren’t right for me, when really, once I figured out what was really going on, that I was afraid of not being able to cope. When I was the national support for Nas in 2009, I hit a breaking point. This was an opportunity I could not turn down. At that point, I had just started learning about my anxiety, so it was still very much a challenging time for me. But I knew if I turned this opportunity down, I may not ever get it back again. I had to face my fears. So I went on the tour. For the whole week on the tour, I struggled to eat. I lost quite a bit of weight. But I got through it, and I experienced some of the best moments of my life. I had a break through moment at the Sydney show, watching Nas side of stage. I said to myself, this is where I need to be. This is what I need to do. No more excuses. I will rise to the challenge. I told myself: enough is enough. I will not allow history to repeat itself anymore. I see you and I will not let you fall. I will not let you give up. Especially now that you are working towards them and living them in such an amazing way. You have found your purpose and you have found the right pieces, it’s time to make it happen. You deserve it. You are capable. It won’t be easy. You will probably want to give up again and again. Your personal history and old habits will come back to challenge you time and time again, but you will get through. You deserve it. So I started the process. I really started to tune in to my thoughts and my emotions. Where were they coming from? Why was I feeling this way? Why was my body reacting like this? Is this a gut feeling or is this an old habit resurfacing? Once I asked myself many of those questions, I realised how fragile I was. I realised how scared I was and I realised how insecure I was. And that was okay. I then asked myself: what do you want for life? What are your goals? What are your visions? Once I saw them or started living them, I focused so hard on my desire to achieve them. I would repeat them to myself day-in, day-out. People don’t know how hard and draining that can be. Facing something like that isn’t as simple as telling yourself to be strong. Particularly when you’ve subconsciously developed so many habits that your mind and body believe are right. There were days when my own positive thoughts and reminders weren’t good enough. I’d cave and find myself in tears. There were days when they were good enough and I’d be all good. But there were also days where my inner voice had to yell so loud in order to overcome the feelings, emotions and thoughts established by my past habits and experiences. There were moments where I’d be driving in the car, literally yelling out my dreams, my positive thoughts and reminders as loud as I could in order to drain out those feelings, emotions and thoughts that were holding me back. I went through that process for years: putting in all my energy to overcome my feelings, emotions and thoughts generated by past habits, which were triggered by present events. It was about making that connection; understanding the trigger, exploring why I was acting the way I was acting. I started to make sense of it all. I gave up plenty of times, thinking that was the correct decision because it felt right, when in reality, it was just the decision I was most comfortable with. It was a safe decision. I knew what would happen if I made that decision. I knew I could just get on with life, despite feeling the hurt from the consequences of that decision. And I’d forgive myself. But there came a point where I couldn’t do that anymore. I couldn’t forgive myself for those types of decisions because the stakes were getting higher and higher. I knew eventually, I’d make a decision that I’d always regret. Which is why I’m grateful I had friends and family who supported me to take the Nas opportunity even though my mind and my heart were intent on giving it a miss, despite knowing how much I really wanted it. I’m glad I took that opportunity. I’m so glad I went through that huge anxiety struggle on that tour, and I’m so glad I took the uncomfortable path. It made me stronger. Since then, there have been countless uncomfortable opportunities I’ve accepted despite my heart and my mind telling me to say no. I recognise my inner voice and my emotions, and I understand the connections. It wasn’t easy getting to this point. A lot of it was an individual battle. But the support of my best friends and family made a huge difference. Someone once told me that being in uncomfortable situations in pursuit of your dreams is a good thing. It means you’re heading in the right direction. It means you’re challenging yourself and you’re rising to the occasion. If you settle and do what you’ve always done in the past, then you may never, ever get what you want. You may end up throwing away the best opportunities of your life. No matter how strong we think we are, at the end of the day, we are human beings, and human beings are fragile. That’s the beauty of our existence. It’s important to be aware of and embrace our fragility, not so we get caught in it, but so we can tell ourselves that it’s okay; that we are human; we are capable and we are worthy. The struggle does not define us. It’s how we respond that counts. I don’t blame anyone for my anxiety. It is what it is. This is my journey and I’m thankful for it, because through it I have become the man I am today. I have learnt so much about my own emotions, thoughts and feelings. Most importantly I have developed an understanding that they all come from somewhere whether I’m aware of it or not, and that I do have the capacity to deal with them so as to rise and claim what I want for my life. If you’re dealing with your own inner battles, remember that you are not alone. Though you may want to isolate yourself or distract yourself to get through, in the long run, you’re better off exploring your thoughts and emotions with your closest friends or even a counsellor. You can get through it. Don’t continue to throw away the opportunities that you worked so hard to create. Once you consciously recognise what’s being dictated by your personal history, you can work towards change. But that can only begin if and when you decide to truthfully and honestly explore yourself in a non-judgemental way. If you’ve been building towards or living the life you’ve always wanted, or you’re in the process of finding it, don’t rob yourself of the opportunity of achieving it. Especially if you’re on the cusp of having it all, because that’s when the inner battle is the hardest, and that’s when the temptation to give up will be greatest. That is where your personal history will challenge you the most. When you get to that point be gentle on yourself. Care for yourself. Love yourself. And know that others love you too; know that they want to see you rise and they want to see you claim everything you deserve. You are worth it. Blog originally posted here: l-fresh/you-are-worth-it/
Posted on: Mon, 06 Oct 2014 07:18:10 +0000
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