Its a crazy thing to read upon old conversations from a few years and beyond, I would always try to provide positive enforcement for people. Try to bring them back from their feet, this in a way inspired me to be a somewhat decent human being. But I noticed there were small cracks and subtle hints that I was hiding a lot of pain behind my words. It is odd to put oneself in such a position, I felt it was my duty to remain strong so others that looked up to me would feel hope and sincerity from my words. What made me even consider these thoughts was when I watched old recorded videos with my family at our now sold house. I felt such a deep remorse and sorrow whenever I looked into my eyes. Sure this was a decade ago but its so interesting that I remembered how I exactly felt in those moments. I had this awful facade and at the time I felt I hid it quite well, looking at it now it was so damn obvious. I think at that time I just could not accept the fact that I was truly sad. There is no worry as I am (as far as I know) currently in a healthy state of mind, I just wonder how I would have been as a person had I decided to just let myself go and fall into that darkness completely. (I sure as hell fell into it multiple times after but I somehow climbed my way out). You become so complacent as the years go by and despite evidence proving otherwise you always think you know everything about yourself. I continue to learn about myself, some things bad and others good. I feel my biggest obstacle holding me back from a lot of my actions is that I just understand too much or perhaps nothing at all. Regardless I have no idea why I shared this, we all have our insecurities. I guess its best just to finally come in terms with it and accept things for what they are. I still have a lot of spark left and many goals left to achieve, Im so fortunate to have such a great support group. Im pretty sure without it I would be the next super villain, though Im sure that may have been equally fun.
Posted on: Thu, 23 Oct 2014 08:50:58 +0000
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