Its almost finished, feel like Ive been swinging a ten pound hammer non stop for 4 months. Ive been through a hell Ill never forget, nights of horrible tremors and moments of sweet memories. All the while tears fell from my face as my former life was taken away by people I never even knew. Ive prayed, cried and ask God why my life has taken such a cruel, hard turn. I waited for an answer not only of why but how. My answer never came. I realize the people we trust, put our faith in and love in the end we cannot make choices for them, although we can suffer the pain of their decisions in our heart and our life. Life can change in an instant, this I have come to realize all to well. Whether by sickness, accident, being robbed, infidelity or discovering you have an incurable disease. The reason I wrote this isnt for my friends to feel my pain or to gain sympathy, rather I wrote this as part of my healing and recovery from what I can only describe as dying and being reborn in a foreign place. The life I knew for so long is gone, the person and people I had grown to trust and rely on cant be those people to me ever again, thats hard to swallow. Love is indefinable, I say this because love feels different and means something different to everyone. I struggled a long time to put an exact emotion on what I felt when I was told my life was changed. Still, words like hurt, betrayed and shattered dont even begin to describe what I felt when my most prized possession was taken from me. So for those who will see me out, my head down or maybe a tear in my eye, know for now Im a broken man. This will be the last post I write about this horrible place I have endured. i did the best I could with what I was left with. I have had good days and Ive had days that would never end. The pain and feelings of inadequacy because of what happend has lead me down dark paths, to places and people I never thought Id see. But theres healing in the air, my internal struggle of why and how, who and where is closing. This huge part of my life is closing and not without me becoming a stronger and much wiser man. Ill never know all the reasons, honestly I dont want to. But I was taken by surprise, time and again. I gave what I feel was my best effort to regain control of a run away situatuon. But in the end material things and possessions were chosen over a new beginning for my family. I finally understood that peoples definition of love differe greatly. To me love knows no condition or sets no boundaries or limits. Love is the essence of life itself, not a condition chosen because its convenient. I have chosen the hard path, I could have chosen another outcome after all Id been through. But Id rather live under a rock with someone who I know without a doubt loves me, than in a house with someone who wouldnt love me anywhere else but in that house. Thanks to all my friends and family who have listened and offered kind words and encouragement during the hardest time in my life so far. Ill never forget just how great my friends are. I have friends who do love me and through this tragedy I have found them to be true. Im okay, Ill be better and I know God will give me exactly what I need! My son is a great example of just that. Thank god for my baby boy, hes so perfect and with him I feel I can conquer the world. Now I just need a queen.....;)
Posted on: Wed, 25 Jun 2014 02:48:02 +0000
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