Its been awhile since Ive posted an update, because honestly, I just havent known what to say... My husband is dying. What else is there? But sometimes I need to talk about it. Sometimes I need the world to know that my heart is breaking, and its not okay!! I get angry sometimes at LIFE, for going on around us still. I scream sometimes, from the depths of me, but no sound ever comes out. And I watch... as my husband slowly fades, and our tomorrows are erased before they can even be written. I miss him already.... Though I have him still, so much has changed. His body is sick and emaciated. He sleeps much of the day. His voice so weak and strained it is barely there. So yes, I miss him. I miss the strength of his arms, and the sound of his voice. I miss coffee in the mornings, and long drives to nowhere. And I grieve for the loss of all that may never be. He asked me what I am most afraid of, when he is gone, and I told him, the aloneness. Hes always been there. I dread the day I wake up without him. And I wonder how I will even survive. And yet, in the midst of it all is the steady presence of an all knowing, all powerful, unchanging, infallible God. And I am reminded that though flesh and heart may fail, God never does. (Psalm73:26) He is our strength and portion.... Forever. Forever here on earth, and for eternity in heaven. The Same God. There is something comforting in that. As Marks flesh is failing, so follows my heart. But though he may soon, step into the Presence of God in heaven, I am strengthened in the knowledge, that it is the Same God, the Same Presence, Who comforts me still, on earth. I do not have an answer or understanding for why this is happening. I have wrestled much with the Lord in these past months, trying to make sense of it all. I pray, and believe still, for the miracle. But I praise God anyway, without it. He showed me this storm in a dream before it happened. It was August 9, 2013... Marks birthday. I dreamed I was standing on a ship at sea. I could see a storm off in the distance, and feel the electricity in the air. I saw Jesus standing on the bow of the ship. I approached Him, and He turned and looked at me. I said; Yeshua.. there is a storm coming. He said; Yes, I know. I said; Cant you change the direction of the wind, and blow it away? He said; I can, but Im not going to. But I promise to walk through it with you. Two weeks later, on August 23rd... Mark was diagnosed with cancer. We were sitting in the living room when he told me, and I remember it was pouring rain outside. Lightning was flashing in our windows, and thunder was booming over the house; An unusual occurrence in the valley. We never saw it coming. But God did. And He has been true to His promise, to walk through it with us. He truly has been our strength in this time of weakness, our light in the darkness, and our calm in the storm. As the days unfolded, and I cried out to him in prayer... He told me to keep my eyes on Him, and off of the storm. He told me I dont get to know how it ends, but that I am just to trust in Him. So that is what I have tried to do. There are times though, when I am tempted to be focused on my anger at the injustice, my fear of losing him, or my expectation of a miraculous healing. But I have learned that when I am focused on these things, it always takes my eyes off of God in the moment, and redirects my focus to the end result. The end result being either my expectation of what I think God should do, or my fear of what He wont do. So then... instead of seeing God in the middle of the storm, all I can see is the storm. And that is when I start feeling suffocated by my circumstances. And that is where fear and discontent lays hold, because instead of walking with God through the storm, I am focused on my expectation of God to remove the storm. And then I miss all the little miracles in the middle of the storm. The story of Peter comes to mind. I keep thinking of the other disciples, and wondering why they didnt get out of the boat too. Perhaps they were too focused on their fear of drowning in the storm, or their expectation of God to settle the storm. But what if they could have walked on water too, and didnt? What if they were so focused on their circumstances, and their fear and expectation of the outcome, that they missed being part of the miracle in the meantime; walking on water, with Jesus?! Keeping my eyes on God, and off of the storm, has been one of the most difficult and valuable lessons Ive learned so far. My gut reaction is to cling to the boat. But if I want to walk on water, I have to get out of the boat, like Peter. I have to look past the storm, and trust Jesus to hold me up. Its been amazing to me already on this journey, how evident God has been, just like He promised He would be. He told me He was not going to take the storm away, but He would walk with us through it. He has done that, and He is still doing that, in so many real and tangible ways. He made it very clear to me, that I dont get to know the end result. And Im glad for that!! Because its in the not knowing, that I am learning to lean in, and cling to Him more than I ever have before. Its in the not knowing, that I have learned to trust Him in new ways. Its in the not knowing, that I am experiencing God. Ive been calling this time, the Terrible/Wonderful, because... in the midst of the terrible devastation of our physical life, God is showing up in all kinds of wonderful ways in our spiritual life. Its like walking through a house that burned down, and sifting through the ashes... finding little treasures that somehow escaped the flames. Its terrible. And yet its wonderful.... Its miracles in the meantime. Its choosing to get out of the boat, and walk on water in the middle of the storm, rather than expecting God to take away the storm. I have learned that if I focus on God in the moment, then I know that on the other side of all this, regardless of the end result, I will be okay. Because I will have learned to walk on water, trusting God no matter how bad things get. Yes, Peter sinks... but thats okay. At least he got out of the boat. And of course, Jesus lifts him right back up again.... It is actually easy for me to believe that God can turn all of this around, and heal Mark on this side of heaven. I just dont know if he will. I have wrestled with myself over that at times. I have wondered if it is a lack of faith on my part. But for me it is the epitome of faith. It is in the not knowing, that my faith is truly tested. Because my faith is not founded in what He can or will do, but in Who He Is.
Posted on: Mon, 26 Jan 2015 06:07:09 +0000
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