Its dark, late... Well past the Boys bedtime on a school night. But he insists. He needs to talk to his Mother. I relent because I know he hurts and hasnt seen her in over a week, and even then hesitantly, I call Her. He takes the cell and puts it on speaker, though I dont want to invade their privacy, its inevitable in our small apartment and he prefers to not hold it. The greeting is brief and he doesnt know what to say. She leads him through, quickly heading toward end. I love you, I love you, I miss You, I miss You too... He doesnt know HOW to express himself, doesnt know what He has to do to keep his Mom there on the phone. He stares down at the bland call icon. I know hes trying to see her face in it. 15 seconds of silence.... Hes hoping to hear her voice... He doesnt understand why he doesnt see Her, Or hear her more often. But I do. I have long since grown tired of begging Her to see him more, talk to him more, understand his feelings of loss... But my words are as Lectures and fall on deaf ears. Or worse, insight argument... Even after 2 Years of barely seeing her, He loves Her so much. Without blame, without rules, without condition. But I understand. When we ran from each other, she ran from Him. Or so it seems to have become. I dont miss Her, Oh not at all. We were not compatible. But he does. Oh how he aches for her arms and security, I FEEL His pain emanating from him. She doesnt mean it, I know she loves him very much. She is NOT evil, I know she cries for missing him sometimes. Just not enough... Something inside Her must prevent her from seeing that he Loves her SO much. If Only she could see it as I do. Perhaps she would FIND a way to be closer to him, nearby, overcome whatever obstacle that prevents her from BEING that Mother he needs SO desperately. She blames Me, Hates me SO much for hurting Her, both before and after us... It trickles down to the Boy... In a way, it IS my fault... Then it comes... She yawns... Says Okay buddy, Mommy has to go He says nothing. There simply is no way an 8 Year old can express himself enough, his complex feelings, that loss, that rejection. I love You. I love you too Mommy I miss You I miss You too. Bye buddy, Ill see you soon Bye Mom And shes gone. But he doesnt move. His eyes do not blink. He stares at the cell, its icon now gone grey. Mom... mommy... He knows she gone, but he still longs to feel her presence... Hear her voice. Tears roll off his cheeks and drop onto the phone. One tear, then two... Hes becomes so quiet... He says nothing more, just rolls over silently shaking with his sobs... I, of course, crawl into bed with him and pull his head onto my chest and tell him how very special he is to me. This happens so often... My words help, but I KNOW they do not heal... As he drifts to sleep, I feel tears of my own slip from my cheeks, and I quickly wipe them away to hide from him. To keep the illusion of Strength. I am so so sorry it is like this my Son... I whisper... I will NEVER EVER leave Your side while I am able. And even after life leaves my shell, I will remain with your soul Forever... ~Reflections of my Demons...
Posted on: Wed, 04 Jun 2014 19:54:54 +0000
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