Ive been looking through photos on here the last twenty minutes or so. Im supposed to be working on something. But looking at pictures is easier. The time has been bittersweet. Some of the most incredible moments flooding by, more than I ever dreamed Id receive. But I also see this pretender. Im not a fifth the man Ive wanted to pretend to be. All along. Not just before Christ, but even up to now. And even if I was partially such a man, even he is no longer even fully there. The stories where I was in the center of the picture, in scenes I thought would never end, most of them have vanished, faded or become violated by hurt or people leaving the picture, or my failure, or loss...But Ive got these two things going for me. These friends and family who knew all along I wasnt that man...but they stayed and enjoyed me and allowed me to love them anyway. Those were real tears, real laughter, real moments of entering in. For, they allowed the liar into their hearts. Most of them did not judge or expose me. They just gave me time to mature, to try out who it was they could see in there. Their enduring love has made me more real. Oh, and God. You can see Him in every single picture, if you look deeply enough...He knows who I am, who I was, who I wanted to be. The best of me, and the most narcissistic. He has never exposed me in my bluffing, though I feared endlessly He would. He has never believed the misrepresentations others have had of me, good or bad. He has loved the real John, even when I didnt vaguely know who I was. He has chosen to love me fully in all the masquerades, and in those moments of absolute authenticity and otherworldly, sacrificial love. He has loved it all. The bluffer, the idealized man, the fool, the best me. He adored me before I wanted Him...But Christ in John, that cant be photoshopped. That picture is utterly transparent, stunningly real. That man is worth knowing. He is actually trusted when I look into the mirror. ...Alright, back to whatever part of the scene I was in; whatever iteration I was trying to manufacture. Im right on time. Great love to all who have found their way into a picture with me-to all whos own pictures Ive been allowed into. And to all in coming pictures. It is still a very wonderful life...
Posted on: Sat, 19 Jul 2014 21:34:01 +0000
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