Ive seen a lot of personal stories on FB since the tragic loss of Robin Williams. I think for anyone interested Ill share mine. Many years ago a friend - a nursing student, not a psychologist or other mental health professional - told me I was bi-polar. At the time the term was fairly obscure. A diagnosis of manic-depressive was far more common and not politically incorrect. I laughed off the bi-polar suggestion and, because there were personal reasons for this friend to want to injure me, thought it more likely a dig than a sincere concern. Now Im not so certain it was so far off-base. I wont go into my biography here except to say my childhood, especially my teen years, were difficult. My family dynamic was strained and my school environment troublesome. I was torn, terribly so, by a strict religious conviction and personal conflicts. It was not a good environment for healthy emotional growth. But, of course, I survived - but not without struggles. My first and only sincere attempt at suicide was in my early twenties. This will come as a surprise to almost anyone that knew me then as Ive never before publically confessed it. Since then I suffered the usual battles: failed relationships, economic difficulties, the death of friends and family, career changes, etc. And, for the most part, I handled these pretty much as well as most. But when, and often without good reason, I would start a slide, it would be a humdinger. And, yes, often accompanied by thoughts of suicide. Now my life has turned again. I have found myself challenged by both physical restraints and age. I have only recently, very recently, accepted the fact that I wont ever regain the strength I had - even two or three years ago - and be able work again. My doctors had told me this, but I could simply never accept it. And so now, on a set income and with limited hopes for a great improvement in finances; with precarious health, on multiple medications and more days that I feel like total crap than not; with the same unyielding, albiet completely human experiences of loss due to death of or simply dissappointment in family and friends; with these and all the other daily conflicts, I find myself falling more and more into that dark chasm of hopelessness. I dont believe I would ever again try and take my life. I do hope for brighter and more optimistic mind-set. I know there are many that would tell me Buck-up dude. You dont have it any worse than most or as bad as many. I am aware of this... I know how blessed I am. But, unless you have suffered from depression, you cant understand the challenge. And so Ill leave you with a smile and a sincere thank you to all that have always been and I believe will always be there for me. And a message to all - dont judge those with depression issues. And dont assume that a smiling disposition, a jovial spirit, or a seemingly happy facade tells the story. Be kind and accepting of others - even if they are different ... even if they are sometimes difficult. Love. Be careful not to offend. You and I would never want to be that final straw.
Posted on: Sat, 16 Aug 2014 21:39:47 +0000
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