Ive spent a lot of the last few years of my life sad, feeling pain and hurt that people should never have to feel, but tonight, I felt a pain ive never felt, the worst pain ive ever experienced, a pain id never wish upon anyone. I knew it was real a week ago, I knew Dillon was gone. But I couldnt believe it until today. To see him like that was unreal, to touch him again and feel cold instead of warmth. I kept praying he would open his eyes, smile and hold me and it all be a big ol joke. I Laid my head on his chest and didnt hear the heart beat I took for granted so many nights before. It was the last 5 hours I had to spend looking at his face and holding him one last time and it went by too fast, I walked away 5 times telling myself to leave but I kept going back to hold his face in my hands one more time, because I knew it was the last time.... Im so grateful I got to spend a half hour with him alone after everyone went home and before they took him to be cremated. I rubbed his face how I used to to get him to sleep and put my head on his chest like it used to be every night, but this time his arms werent around me. I said everything ive been meaning to say, and im sure he could hear me, I know he knew no matter what I loved him and how sorry I am i couldnt save him from himself. I wish he could have held me, if I could just have that one more time. If I knew the last time I hugged him or spoke to him was gunna be it, I would have never let him go. I could have held you forever tonight, I could have slept by your side and talked to you forever. Knowing this is it, knowing ill never touch your handsome face or see you smile at me again, was the worst thing Ive faced in my life. Hearing our baby boy call you dada for the first time and watching him say goodbye tore me to pieces even smaller than they already were. I miss you Dillon, I love you, thank you for saving me, for loving me, for making me love and smile again and loving my son like your own and giving me our son, your legacy. I only wish we had more time. I cant believe this is real, I cant believe someone would take you away from us like this... youll always have my heart, ill never forget you and not a day will ever go by the thought of you wont make me smile. goodbye baby. Ill be seeing you in my dreams.
Posted on: Fri, 12 Sep 2014 08:27:54 +0000
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