I’d like to devote a few electrons to something more important than Ebola, ISIS (or ISIL or the Islamic State), or anything going on in Washington. I refer, of course, to Star Trek. My fan mail (and yes, there is a measurable quantity of it) often contains questions about my feelings regarding this iconic Science Fiction franchise. People ask because my novels contain a few subtle digs at the show (such as my discussion in the first book of where any warship’s command center should be located) and more than a few not-so-subtle homages (Nurse CHURCH? Hellooo!!). For the record, let me say that I am one of Star Trek’s biggest fans, and have been since I saw the premier episode in September 1966. I probably would not be doing what I do for a living right now if it were not for Star Trek. But, there are things about the show that have always driven me crazy. Here are a few. Not all of these observations are unique, but even though I have run into other people saying the same thing, I came up with them all on my own, in most cases before I was ten years old. 1. The automatic doors. Think about it. Sure, it is one way to create a quick visual image of “gee whiz, future snazzy high tech” but it makes no sense on a space vehicle that could go into combat. Automatic doors require power to operate, which means that if enough power systems go out, then the doors don’t work. Do you really want people to have to break out the crowbars to get from room to room in an emergency? 2. The force field walls in the brig. Same thing as the automatic doors, but in reverse. If enough systems go out, then you have an automatic jail break (until the prisoners run into one of the automatic doors!). 3. The women’s uniforms. Exploring the galaxy in miniskirts, black hose, and go go boots? Really? How does that work for you crawling along rocky ground under Klingon disruptor fire? [Not that I minded seeing all that leg.] 4. The location of the bridge (right on “top” of the Saucer Section). I know why Roddenberry did it, of course. He wanted to be able to give the audience that shot from the beginning of “The Cage” where you see the ship whizzing through space and then the camera zooms in and into the bridge (which was originally to have had a clear top) to show the audience, “here we are out in space and here is the ship in space and now we are in the bustling command center of that ship.” BUT, logically the ship would be run from deep inside the ship where it would have the most protection. 5. The layout of the bridge. Now, I like the Captain being in the middle in a swivel chair and the ship’s helm and navigation stations being in front of him (and, in fact, you will find that feature in my books), but having everyone else seated around him WITH THEIR BACKS TO HIM is flatly idiotic. That way they have to take their eyes off their displays and turn completely around to talk to the skipper AND the skipper can’t see their faces to gauge their emotional state. It makes more sense for everyone (except the ship drivers) to be facing the skipper and that is how I arranged the Combat Information Center on my own starship. 6. What do the enlisted men do? There are supposedly more than 400 people on the ship with something like between 20 and 50 officers, yet the officers man every watch station, the Chief Engineer—a Lt. Commander no less—personally crawls through Jeffries Tubes and vents and opens up panels to fix things, and so on. Any of you navy guys ever see a LCDR crawling around inside something to solder a wire? If you did, that guy had better hope that the Captain didn’t see him or he’d get dinged on his next FITREP for “failure to delegate.” 7. Recon is for sissies. Let’s just warp right in to the mysterious phenomenon. Don’t send a probe. Don’t send a shuttlecraft. Don’t sit outside it and monitor it for a few days (what’s the rush?)—we can just stick in a voiceover: “Captains log: Stardate 3491.8—we have been monitoring the Fartoni nebula for eleven days now with no change, and have sent in three instrumented probes that have returned no useful data. Because of the hazard this object poses to interstellar navigation, I now feel compelled to enter it to find out what is inside.” 8. Planet and social problem of the week stories. Here’s the outline for about half of the Star Trek shows—The Enterprise goes to planet Zeta Scorpionis III only to find that people with blue eyes have no civil rights—they can’t own property, can’t marry people with brown or green eyes, can’t hold public office, and are not allowed to have a library card. Unable to persuade the planet’s leaders (who, conveniently, are consolidated into a single government that meets in the city where Kirk and Spock first beamed down and happen to be in session at the time) with a staggeringly eloquent speech underlined with suitable music with lots of French horns, Kirk persuades Bones to come up with a technobabble thing to put in the atmosphere that turns everyone’s eyes blue, resulting in immediate universal brotherhood but without causing Kirk to be court martialed for violating the Prime Directive.
Posted on: Wed, 22 Oct 2014 03:28:03 +0000
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