I’ve been asked many times why San Francisco? why now? The truth is I have always dreamed of living in NYC, L.A or San Francisco ever since I was a child watching Star Trek and movies like Mrs. Doubtfire. Both were sources of hope for the future or comfort. I’ve had other aspirations, for a while it was Cincinnati or Orlando. After the job prospect fell through in Orlando and I after thought about it, as much as I love going there it just wasn’t going to be the place for me to make my big move, in the end it has always been SF. San Francisco is a world-class city and a melting pot of culture with big city life that I love. It has a good mass transit system compared to most cities and that was a big factor. I wanted to avoid driving as much as possible. Moving to SF or NYC has been a dream I’ve been putting on hold for a long time and for a while, it was a door I was going to keep shut forever. You may wonder what made me decide to go ahead and open it. Well a year and a half ago I realized that I wasn’t going to be content with just being the cool- single guy to my friends. I needed to focus on my happiness and my future. I needed to focus on my well-being and that meant being true to myself in all aspects of my life. For some it may come to no shock but I am gay. I decided a year and half ago, it was time to be myself. SF and NYC have always been a lot more open minded and welcoming to the gay community but that wasn’t the ONLY reason why I wanted to move to those places. I just love big cities and the multicultural appeal. It’s so fun and amazing here. Living here gives me hope for the future, we will see the days of Star Trek. SF and NYC are places I knew I could be myself and not fear of being preached at for being who I am. Down in the South, I would see gay couples keep a noticeable distance from one another and not even hold hands. It made me sad to see that they live such an open yet restricted life and I knew that wasn’t going to be for me, back to my point though. A year and a half ago, I started going to different chat sites. Most of them were scams, bots or people who never responded. If they did respond, it never got passed “hello, how are you doing?” It was becoming a bust and I was having doubts. I was debating on just giving up on the idea of coming out and being true to myself. I was just going to continue with the role of being the cool, single friend and be the best damn “uncle” to my friends’ kids. I decided to give it one more try. I searched profiles and saw this one gorgeous guy and clicked on his profile. I figured it was going to be a guy that had no interests similar to my own. Low and behold he mentioned he was a nerdy college guy. Finally! Someone I could relate to! I sat there and debated for a long time. You can chop it up to a 50/50 chance but I told myself, you can either give up on this and keep on being “content” with how things are for the rest of your life or message this guy and see how it goes. I messaged him and it changed my life. He was super sweet and we had a lot in common, we both liked similar shows and movies and big into DC comics. He was smart, kind, geeky and to top it all off, he was gorgeous. I’ll admit I crushed hard. Before talking to him I had never really even considered talking to guys at all as openly as I did with him. The fact I was even talking to him, was leaps and bounds further than I thought I ever would be. Our chats never got hot or heavy; they were just sweet, nerdy chats that made my day. I find that I don’t really fit well in the gay community but I had no problem talking with him. We were just nerds. After a couple weeks of chatting, I sent him my number and FB info; it was becoming increasingly difficult to hide my phone while chatting around friends/family. I figured an opened Facebook page on my phone or a text message wouldn’t cause any suspicion but a website with a dude’s pic on it, just might. I guess that came off as too forward and clingy, even though he said he was OK talking to me, after that point, he stopped talking to me. He mentioned being busy with senior projects and work related stuff, which is completely understandable. I waited for a month though, hoping he would get some time to come back to chat. I sent him a message with some final thoughts; he never responded or messaged me again. I was devastated. The first time in my life I was even thinking about being true to myself and chatting with a guy and I blew it. Even though he may never want to speak to me again, I will owe him a debt that I can never repay. In our chats, he shared his story of coming out and he gave me the courage to set things in motion. Talking to him I realized there were guys out there I could relate to and share my experience. I know it’s me being naïve, but I find it difficult to fit into gay culture. I’m just a nerd, ya know? And that’s how I connected with him. I could just be nerdy as I wanted to be and be openly gay with him. I didn’t have to compartmentalize my life talking with him. After he stopped talking to me, I got scared and I haven’t talked to another guy. I’m afraid I’ll just scare that guy off as well. I probably just suck at it and it’s something I will have to work on eventually. If you were to have asked me to think of the “perfect guy”, before I even started chatting with him, it would have been someone like him. He was intelligent, sweet, humble, tall and gorgeous (think Bo Burnham, my celebrity crush lol.) I blew it I guess. He showed me though that I could connect with someone and that there were guys out there I could relate to. I could have not hit the nail more on the head on finding the perfect guy. It almost seemed like fate. Having just picked his profile out from of all the people I could have started chatting with and I don’t even believe in that kind of shit. As soon as he came into my life, he was gone. I realize though even if he was perfect to me, it doesn’t mean I was anything to him. Talking to him felt so natural and I felt like I had known him for years. There was a comfort I felt that I didn’t get from chatting with other dudes, it felt like “home.” It’s difficult to describe. There I was though, 30 years old, in the closet and had drama. I was a big red flag of don’t bother, so I totally get it why he didn’t keep chatting with me. Maybe it was the distance, the age difference (8 years) or whatever else; maybe he thought I was lame and/or a creep. This move to SF has been a difficult road of self discovery. It’s a move I thought I’d never make and I have him to thank for it. During this whole process, even though he hasn’t talked to me and probably never will, he has been a symbol of hope for me. Hope for a better tomorrow and a better life, a life being true to myself and sharing that life with someone. I wish him happiness; he deserves it he is a sweet heart. I have thanks to give to my family and friends as well for helping me on this journey but if it wasn’t for him, I never would have considered it. Like I said, even though he may never want to see or talk to me again, I owe him a debt that I can never repay. He was the first person to know who I was and that I was gay. The first person I told out loud was George Takei. When I went to DragonCon last year I had no intentions of seeing George or getting his autograph. I saw him sitting there and I had to do it. I got a picture and while I was in line I built up the courage to do it and thought of what to say. As he was signing the picture, I thanked him for all that he has done for the LGBT community and as gay man it meant a lot. He stopped signing because I think he realized I wasn’t out. I was quite discrete. He shook my hand and didn’t let it go and asked me where I was from. I told him I was from Georgia. He then said “Well, there isn’t equality here but there will be, one nation, indivisible with liberty and justice for all.” He looked me right in the eye and I couldn’t help but tear up. It was a very comforting thing to hear from “Uncle” George and it was something I will never forget. But back to my point again, I am pursing my dream of hopefully becoming a voice actor and being out and being true to myself. I am not coming to SF for anyone or to start dating guys or start a relationship right off the bat. My focus right now is jobs, housing and voice acting. In the end, I hope to become a better person. A person, that maybe, he would have wanted to talk to, that is the best I can hope for. I didn’t come out for so long because I was so afraid of losing my friends. I was afraid my guy friends would all think that the only reason why I was friends with them was because I was gay or something. It was stupid reasoning but it was a legitimate fear I had for all my friends, my Macon friends, Star Wars friends and Wow friends. I didn’t want to lose you guys. I didn’t tell my family because a secret isn’t a secret if it’s not kept. I never doubted my family being supportive of me. It has never been that. I know my family would always love me no matter. My friends who are like family to me, I wasn’t sure about. I also felt if I cherry picked who I told eventually lose lips would sink ships and just cause more drama or hurt feelings. After talking to him though, I knew I couldn’t worry about that and I had to gamble it all. It’s a gamble every LGBT person makes coming out, so here I am putting all my chips in and giving up my life in Macon for a new one in San Francisco. It’s a new life that I hope all of my friends will support me on. If you no longer want to be my friend, that is fine. Have a good life and you have my best wishes. If you want to continue to be my friend than I am very grateful and thank you for sticking with me. I am living the dream. I thank you all for being there for me. I wish to give a huge thank you to my mom and Walt. They have been an abundance of emotional and financial support and I could have not made this move out here without their help. I wish to thank my symbol of hope and willpower. Thank you, Joe, (not any Joe you know or on my FB) you were the catalyst and it wasn’t your intention but you changed my life. I wish for you the happiness that you deserve. Owing so much to someone who wants nothing to do with you is one of the saddest feelings I have ever felt. I can’t let that stop me from pursing my dream. I have come this far, there is no going back. I would like for all of you to be with me on this journey, if you don’t wish to come along, then this is your stop. This has been the most stressful and frustrating time in my life but it has been worth every second of it. While it has been tough I have never been happier or freer. I haven’t had to compartmentalize my life here and it’s not even that I have been telling everyone, “Oh, btw I’m gay,” in fact it never comes up but the fact that if it did, I’d have no problems discussing it here. I never realized until I came here how taxing it was to live a double life. Anyways, this was probably the worst way to handle this but I figure I can spread the word in one go and people can read it and find out on their own. I have some busy weeks ahead of me and I need to get some sleep. I have to keep believing that all will be well and so far it has been.
Posted on: Fri, 13 Jun 2014 07:22:13 +0000