I’ve never been to Green Bay, but I have been to Buffalo, and they’re basically the same place. I only spent one night there and did exactly what you’d expect someone to do: I checked into a Days Inn and then went out for wings at one of those places where they put an entire roll of paper towels on the table (as they should). It was glorious. The chicken was fantastic. The root beer was bottomless. And I was BY FAR the best-looking person in the place. I’m tellin’ you, the locals were BOWZERS. Most of them wore sweatpants, and those who didn’t made up for it by rockin’ Reebok Dads. No one – and I mean, NO ONE – came close to using hair gel, and now that I think about it, every woman pretty much looked and sounded exactly like a walrus. I loved it there. It was so comfortable. And so laid back. And I totally made out with a walrus. Her name was actually Walrus. Wendy the Walrus. She was an actual walrus. Green Bay, I imagine, is the same. A downhome city filled with super nice people who thoroughly enjoy having diabetes. I still don’t understand how they have a football team, but I’m glad that they do. According to Wikipedia they’re the only non-profit, community-owned sports team, which doesn’t even come close to making sense, but that’s okay. I love the whole “we like cheese” thing even though that food has caused me to blow out the back of my underwear on more than 19 separate occasions. I find everything about the Green Bay Packers to be fascinating. I feel the same way about walruses. The Packers are just so damn endearing. They’ve had the same uniforms, colors and logo for the past 63 years (made that number up) and have played home games at the same Lambeau Field since 1957 (looked that one up). Their success is unprecedented: four Super Bowl™™™™ titles, nine NFL championships before they called it the Super Bowl™, and a legendary coach (Vince Lombardi) who once ate his own foot during halftime. The Green Bay players are even cooler. Bart Starr? P.I.M.P. Ray Nitschke’s head? Unstoppable. Johnny “Blood” McNally, a star halfback from the 20s, apparently once climbed down the side of a hotel so he could avoid curfew and recite poetry to women waiting below. I don’t even know what that means, but last night I had to jam earplugs into my wife’s nostrils to stop her from snoring. I didn’t even mention Brett Favre yet! Or Charles Woodson, by far the dopest person to ever walk the planet. HE WON THE HEISMAN AS A CORNERBACK. Even the Packers’ scrubs are cool, like Don Majikowski and Desmond Howard (another Heisman!). It’s no wonder Jesus told Reggie White to go play there. They have so much cheese! Today’s Packers are just as amazing. They’re led by the coolest non-dog-killing quarterback in the league, Aaron Rodgers, who is sooooooo naturally handsome. Just ask my wife, whose underwear practically disintegrates every time he smiles. And that’s not because she has venereal disease (even though she does), it’s because of his adorby-dorby dimple. Even their white wide receiver is good! Jordy Nelson has obliterated the corny white wide receiver stereotype. He’s not just a gritty spark plug that goes over the middle like Wes Welks. He’s not just some boob like Cole Beasley, with that hair, god that hair. He’s not a pencil-necked tweedledick like Cris Collinsworth. No, Jordy Nelson is a really really really good football player who is fast, strong, and NUH-THING like Riley Cooper. Ewiukgyqu8 (Just so you know, that was typed by my new cat, who I found freezing on the corner of 10th and Dickinson last Saturday night. If he belongs to any of you, or someone you know, I am not giving him back. He’s way too cute. And way too furry. And literally farts every second of every day. I love him. He smells terrrrrrribllllle.) The other teams left in the playoffs? Ughgghhhh. New England is insufferable. (even though Gronk recently appeared on an episode of Top Chef and TOTALLY flirted with Padma and I’m 95% sure he gronked her after the show). Indianapolis? Whatever. The Indiana Hoosiers’ candy-striped warm-up pants make rooting for any team from Indiana impossible. The Seahawks are kinda cool, but that whole 12th Man thing is just too much, it reminds me of THON, and even though Richard Sherman is hilarious, I fully recognize that he could be the most annoying person on the planet. But the Packers? Every one of their players is cool. That running back with the dreadlocks, he’s cool. Randall Cobb, his name is Randall! On defense they have KGB and Al Harris, and yeah, I know, they don’t play on the team anymore, but I sort of feel like they might? Julius Peppers played basketball at the University of friggin’ North Carolina! And Ha Ha Clinton-Dix?! His last name is actually more incredible than his first! And what about Clay Matth-- Oh wait. Clay Matthews. I forgot about Clay Matthews. That hair. God, that hair. Goddddddddd, that hairrrrrrrrrrrr. I guess we have to root for the Seahawks? BEAST MODE
Posted on: Sat, 17 Jan 2015 07:52:08 +0000
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