I’ve taken some pills that make cleaning my house way more interesting than it actually is, which is what I’m doing. They also make we hyper aware, twitching, and a little sweaty. There’s a knock at the door. I rush to answer it. Usually when someone knocks it means something bad either has or will soon be happening. It generally goes poorly for all parties involved. But this time I’m an optimist. I’m excited to open the door. I ordered a stuffed Cthulhu hand puppet on Amazon that will COMPLETE me,(for a few hours anyway) and I’m very excited for it to come. I open the door to be greeted by something far more terrible and maddening than The Great Cthulhu… It’s Mormons. So there we are, the three of us. Me, wild eyed with anticipation and reeking of cleaning products, them wild eyed with salvation in little white shirts and black ties. In an instant their expressions change. Their mouths are not allowed to say the words, but their faces are screaming “AW GODDAMNIT.” I’m taken a back by just how young, small, and frail they are. No one’s talking, so I decide to go first. “Yeeeessssssssss” “Umm Hi… I’m Elder Jeff and this is Elder Tim and if you have a moment…” I just start literally laughing out loud. I have to put my sweating twitchy hands up to my mouth to stop, but I can’t. I step to one side and motion for them to come in. “I do have a moment, but I don’t foresee this working out for you boys.” And you know what they did? They pussed out. Elder Jeff says, “Thanks for being up front with us,” and they left. Pretty poor attitudes if you ask me. I don’t know how you expect to save anyone if you’re not gonna actually try. Doesn’t really matter though, I guess. They can just baptize me after I’m dead and I’ll go to Mormon heaven and spend eternity with Jeffery Dhamer, Elvis, and Heavenly father. Might be all right. For a moment I consider calling the local Temple and claiming to have witnessed Elder Jeff and Elder Tim holding hands and playing “grab ass,” then I remember I was about to scrub my toilet, and that sounds way more interesting. I hope Cthulhu comes soon.
Posted on: Sat, 15 Jun 2013 22:58:42 +0000
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