JULY 26, 2014. THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY I am beginning to discover as a friend of mine said recently, that the journey through cancer is a bumpy ride and anybody who thinks it is a straight line graph to recovery or that I only had a lumpectomy or some such nonsense should tread in my shoes. I had what in many medical circles is called a partial mastectomy because of the amount of tissue removed and 28 lymph node removal. A regular lumpectomy takes 1-2 hours operation, mine took over three hours and my surgeon who is brilliant, admitted that I gave him a few grey hairs. Although the drain is now out of my arm, it hurts like hell especially in the evenings and during the night. I am supposed to use my arm very little in the next few days to head off fluid build up under the wound. This includes a ban on driving which I can quite understand as every little bump in the road causes me to take a sharp intake of breath or a little yelp. So it is 2 weeks out and I am creeping around like I am over 90 years old and any small chore accomplished is a triumph. That is the Ugly. It will sound strange to you that I struggle with the label of cancer patient or cancer survivor. The unsaid communication or subtext from my doctors, is others with my diagnosis do not respond to treatment as well as I have been doing. What they have actually communicated to me is how well I am doing, and that despite my cancer being Stage 3, I am beating the beast. You would think I would be joyful and elated. Certainly my friends are near euphoric. No, there is a certain curious melancholy as I turn to face the next phase of my treatment and realize I will be living with the cancer cloud for a long time. That is the Bad. But I keep telling myself and looking for the Good in all this but it takes effort to do so when pain dominates my consciousness at times. Much to my delight some of my chemo side effects are receding; my digestion is not so cranky, and hallelujah, my taste buds are returning!! One of my Big Angels, Linda took me out to lunch 2 days ago at a new restaurant where I enjoyed Chicken Piccata, instead of the lemon flavor which during chemo made me screw up my face in disgust!! She also took me to a restaurant for dinner at a hut on the beach; the journey was a little rugged with the bumps, but the view of the ocean and the wonderful fresh fish dinner made the bumps more than worthwhile. The ocean is 3 miles from my house, and up till that moment it could have been a million miles away. Just breathing in the ocean air and hearing the waves lap up against the shore was very soothing. And I have learned to rejoice in the small things. I peered under the magnifying mirror in the bathroom yesterday and saw little itty bitty eyelashes emerging, I was so thrilled I wanted to shout it from the rooftops!! Maybe there will be an end to being the hairless wonder!! My friends are endlessly supportive and generous in taking me out to do necessary errands. Over the bridge table last night, my partner told me that there was nothing wrong with my brain! My chemo brain has been receding in a way that is a huge relief. That is also to the Good. Now I go and Facetime with my sister in England who I truly adore. She is one of my many blessings.
Posted on: Sat, 26 Jul 2014 12:49:55 +0000
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