Jonny Guy, I hereby publicly apologise for the abysmal, humiliating performance you were forced to endure as you swiftly disposed of my Brazil team 7-0 with an utterly imperious French side. I am sorry that I agreed, even proposed, another game of Fifa 15 at approximately 11.50pm yesterday, despite the fact that: A) I had returned from local pub The Shoulder of Mutton aggrieved, broken and with a heavy heart, having firstly witnessed my favourite football team Liverpool FC crumble before one of the dominant forces in world football, Real Madrid, who managed to smother the potent, world-class wing-play of one Mario Balotelli for much of the first half to clinch a 3-0 win at Anfield, and secondly having to learn the news of our team’s last-gasp loss in the weekly pub quiz by an agonising 1 point. Whilst you were relaxing and watching the 2003 Adam Sandler flick ‘Anger Management’ (which I’ve never seen, but judging by its title I can only guess served to quash any anger or stress you may have been burdened with from your day, calming you in preparation for playing Fifa with a clear head), I was obviously subject to great mental and emotional duress at the pub and was simply not in the right frame of mind for another game of Fifa 15 when I returned. B) I drank one pint of beer at the pub, thus affecting both hand-eye co-ordination and reflexes. C) I felt lulled into a full sense of security after nearly forcing extra-time playing your PSG team as Manchester United, in a game that ended 3-2 to you moments before, despite the clear signs that I was in a vulnerable position to continue playing Fifa 15. D) I was playing whilst surviving on 5 hours sleep from the night before. E) I was not acclimatised to your gaming setup- an Xbox on a modernised, LED-screen TV with sumptuous graphics – and yet you still continued in the full knowledge that at our student house we usually play the game using a Playstation 3 on a 90s juggernaut, block-style television that makes Fifa 15 look like Fifa 03. The graphics were just too unexpectedly clear and sharp for a game that I usually have to play through squinted eyes. So Jonny, as you can tell, I’m not here to make excuses, but rather to apologise profusely for allowing you to sit through such a wretched, desperate performance from myself. For fear of babbling on and taking the focus off of your fine self, I have decided, in celebration of your triumph, to list 1 thing I appreciate about you for every goal I conceded last night in that Fifa match: 1) I like the fact your surname is ‘Guy’ and that you’re are also, well... a guy. It simply rings all the more affectionate and true when one exclaims ‘Jonny, what a guy’. 2) I appreciate that despite the obvious appropriateness of your surname, you don’t laud this over us, but choose to leave it up to other people to make the link between your surname and gender in their own time- even leaving room for error. Thank you. 3) I enjoy the smooth, dulcet tones of your voice. 4) I love your hipster glasses, and the fact that you only choose to wear them intermittently. 5) I admire your facial hair. Please teach me how to grow some. 6) I respect your choice of cover photo. A suave graduation shot only adds to your impenetrable air of professionalism. 7) I hold your profile picture in high esteem. An appropriate contrast to your cover photo that now accentuates your casual sensibilities, the fact that your head is slightly crooked, your eyebrows are raised and you’re holding a half-drunken glass of wine gives the impression of someone who is welcoming, friendly and fun, yet oozing a distinct touch of class too. Thank you that this is not just a first impression, but a lasting one. I hope one day I can match your Fifa ability, Jonny. Bye for now.
Posted on: Thu, 23 Oct 2014 15:32:21 +0000