Just A Thought: If only I could put what I am thinking into a few words or even one sentence! There are people who can say one sentence that has so much meaning and it takes me a thousand words just to get started on what I am thinking or trying to say! LOL There are so many questions and things that we do not understand down through life! I have written my thoughts down for years and even doodled on the margins, but I mainly put my thoughts into writing people letters and the inside of cards-some of which have never been delivered! I even write letters to God as silly as that may sound, but they are so precious to go back and read years later and see how God has answered my prayers! But when I became so sick that I couldn’t sit up and stayed in the bed day after day for over a year-I wrote or rather scribbled down what I was thinking and when I got to feeling better which I honestly never believed possible-a normal day-I put all those thoughts and questions into poems (many words-not just a few words-LOL)! When I got well enough to drive again, I began to visit those who like me were sick and just needed a friend to understand the battle-then I would write poems about them-my new friends that God led me to encourage because I knew what they were going through and I truly could relate and understand! A family member of one of my friends asked me one day how I helped them so much by my visits-I said-“Simply because although you love them dearly and try to understand what they are going through-you can’t-I can-I have been through what they are going through and I understand and they see me doing much better and it brings them strength to fight a little harder or to try to go another mile because I never thought I would get out of the bed and here I am; but God allowed what I went through if just for them!” At the time of my darkest trial if God had told me that I would get better and be able to help someone else someday through my experience, I would have asked Him to choose someone else! I did not like what I was going through-I was so scared and I felt so alone! Day after day waiting for death wondering from moment to moment if I would be taking my last breath! There were some days I knew I was going to make it through that day, but what about tomorrow? The clock seemed to go so slow-the minutes seemed like days-an eternity-waiting for the bus to run-hoping the kids wouldn’t come home to find me dead, yet hoping deep down not to be alone! The nights didn’t go by any faster and a lot of times I would leave the light on because I felt safer for some odd reason! I did not even have the strength to walk to the bathroom and even on days that I possibly could have, I was so sick and my blood was so low-I would pass out if I tried to stand-so I crawled! Derrick put a phone, paper/notebook, pen, Kleenexes, jello, a spoon, 7-up and my sugar tester on my bed beside me each morning and my puke bucket and wet rags and a roll of paper towels before he left for work! I very rarely raised my head up from the pain and dizziness! I just talked to God! God told me from day one that I would be alright, but I just didn’t believe Him from all that I was going through! No matter how much better I got, I still had so much wrong with me that I possibly couldn’t live! Afterall, even the Doctor’s had given up hope for me! I had lost so much weight from not being able to swallow and throwing up what little I did-that you could see the bones in my face! My eyes were sunk in and my hair was falling out! I didn’t have the strength to even brush it! Derrick would fix my hair and get the tangles out and iron my clothes and put them on me for Church! I was not able to drive-hardly able to sit up, but I was determined to not let Satan cheat me out of one Church service and he didn’t! I believe because God saw that I was willing to put forth the effort no matter how sick I was is one of the main reasons that He allowed me to get better! I would pray for God to just let me make it through the Church service and not pass out and most days I actually felt better while at Church! I am ashamed to say that I don’t have that same zeal to not allow Satan to cheat me at times-I may not be as weak physically as I was back then, but I am spiritually weaker! When you have no one but God to help and turn to almost every minute of the day-you grow close to Him! I talked to Him constantly! Now I talk to God more “conveniently”-in other words, He is not on my mind at all times of the day-mainly when I have a problem-that is sad to say! What I perceived to be the worst time of my life was actually the best time of my life! I do not ever want to go back, but I learned more and grew closer to God than any other time in my life! God allowed my diseases not because He doesn’t love me, but because He does love me! I never want to forget what I went through, but I have forgotten how wonderful spending so much time with God was! God should be our number one priority, but too often He is our last resort! It is so easy to tell others that we have faith, but it is totally different to actually put that faith into action!!! I trusted God with every detail of my life, but I just couldn’t believe and have faith that I would ever have a normal day again and get out of the bed-oh how much stress, agony and anguish I could have avoided if only I would have taken God at His Word and believed! Instead I lived in self-pity! No matter what you are going through-it can become better, but it will also make you better even when you don’t believe that or have so many questions and doubts and just don’t understand why! Kim Taylor had Lou Gehrig’s disease and she couldn’t understand why God allowed it and she had trouble being saved! I watched her cry so many times and she would pray and still not be saved! I knew she was angry with God and until she understood His mercy in her receiving the disease-she would never be saved! I prayed and I wrote her a poem entitled, “Understanding Why”! It is my most favorite poem that I have ever written with the help of God and it touches my heart to read it! Kim-through time saw that God allowed her disease as a roadblock from her destruction and destination of Hell! It would be better that she died of Lou Gehrig’s and saw the need to be saved than to live to be a hundred and never slowed down partying and died lost without a Savior! Kim wasn’t a bad person, she just like me and you made some wrong choices down through life! But she had no time for God until she was so sick and then she said she would have given anything to have lived her life differently and she believed with all her heart that God would have gotten her attention no other way than through Lou Gehrig’s! Kim loved me as she knew I loved her and we experienced some of the same things medically and she found encouragement through my poems of what I had gone through and yet how God was always with me protecting me through every tear and torment of Satan! Sometimes-actually not sometimes, but a lot of times-I still don’t understand many things! If Kim could send me a message-I imagine it to be something like this: “SeLena, When you are scared and the dark shadows are creeping all around you and your struggling for your next breath-not sure whether it will come-clinging tight to your pillow to try to ease the pain and pressure or even just to feel hugged and comforted and you don’t understand the answer to so many questions of ‘why’ circulating through your mind, be of good cheer for I have overcome through death all and you will know the answer to every question and mystery soon enough-until then, I understand exactly what you are going through and it will be worth it all! I love you!!!"
Posted on: Wed, 25 Sep 2013 04:21:52 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015