Just found this on an old USB stick and it made me smile. Its something I wrote for a Christmas skit about 4 years ago. Its about what would happen if Santa was based in Australia and having to deal with our red tape. MR & MRS CLAUSE MOVE DOWN UNDER MRS CLAUS: Santa! Why do we have to live here, In this place with freezing weather? Every time I go outside My lips get stuck together! SANTA: Mrs Claus says she’s tired, Of the icy winds and snow. She wants to move to warmer place So it’s off Down Under we go It’ll take some getting used to, The reindeer have trouble with the heat. But it’s all the rules and regulations That’s got us bloody beat. We found a workshop that was perfect But we couldn’t get a lease Unless we paid a solicitor To go through it piece by piece SOLICITOR: Then there is the GST Gotta get an ABN and do a BAS SANTA: All these forms I have to do Are nothing but a pain in the …….butt. I have to pay the elves and the helpers But my sales are gifts I give for free So I’m not really a business - or a hobby But it’s hard to make them see MRS CLAUS: What about not-for-profit? SANTA: Well, when I tried to go that way They sent out some advisor Who said I should make those children pay. Just when I was confused enough Another bloke came knocking at the door INSPECTOR: I’m from Workplace Health and Safety Here’s another stack of forms Where are the fire exits? Have you been trained in correct lifting? Do you ensure you wash your hands, After each and every gifting? And you mustn’t give any perishable food Unless you complete a Certificate Four SANTA: Now was that rule federal, state or local? INSPECTOR: I can’t remember for sure MRS CLAUS: The elves haven’t arrived here yet Because the sleigh already had a load And they refused to fly on Qantas So we put them in a boat Now they’re in detention On some island off the coast SANTA: At least its name is Christmas That’s something I suppose. I had to pay for registration of the sleigh Even though it doesn’t use the road It’s not officially an aircraft either Apparently it’s a truck because it carts a load. SOLICITOR: Have you got public liability insurance? In case somebody sues? SANTA: What for? They don’t like their present? I only give them what they choose. We got a letter from the council about the reindeer Because they’re not pets, like a dog or cat It says we have 14 days to move them to a farm MRS CLAUS: Oh, I don’t think Rudolph will cope with that. I think we better go back home Santa SANTA: Yes. If I may be so observant It’s easier to deal with the wind and snow Than these Aussie public servants!
Posted on: Wed, 11 Jun 2014 02:26:14 +0000
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