Justin Furstenfeld speaking at the 6th Annual 1-800-Suicide Press Conference on April 12, 2010. “I’m pretty nervous uh because umm….. When he says the word relapse, it makes me think of a drug addict and I’m not a drug addict. I suffer from a mental illness called bipolar and ???. I hear things that aren’t there sometimes, I see things that aren’t there sometimes and I have to constantly push myself forward and keep going with my life. I have a 3 year old daughter and I love her very much. To be on a stage in a band is a lot different than standing right here. To be on a stage in a band, it’s like ah man I can be cool right here (?). Ya know? I was supposed to be here last October, I think, and that morning I woke up and just the slightest bit of bad news altered my whole day to where I ended up blacking out in the airport in Minneapolis and I woke up in a hospital and I don’t know why, or what happened. They said they found me in the middle of the airport waving my arms saying “I’m gonna hurt myself, I’m gonna hurt myself, I’m gonna hurt somebody else, please somebody help me.” and the police just didn’t know how to respond to it, they didn’t know what was going on, whether to take me to jail or take me to what. Somehow I had called my friend back in San Marcos, Texas who was on hold for 30 minutes- 30 minutes- a suicide line you know on hold, “please hold” -for 30 minutes. Luckily my father, who is a police officer, got on the phone with these people and took me to a hospital where I was to be treated for an anxiety attack. (?)That suffered for me instantly going to them. (?) There’s no in between. When you have depression it strips you of every single bit of confidence you have, it strips every single bit of will to get out of bed, much less say “Hey, this is what’s going on in my mind and my head, let me sit down with you and explain it.” Cause you’ll think I’m nuts. But the fact is that most kids, if they have this, are just cutting on themselves. They want to feel the most of the pain, in order to get the worst of it over with. I remember when I was a kid I just sit there and cut on myself or burn myself. And my parents were like “Why do you do that?” and I was like “Because I don’t want to hurt anymore”. Now what the worst (???) So what do you think happens when a real problem comes? What’s their first thing (?) I want to end it (gestures cutting throat). And it’s such a beautiful option. That’s just coming from me, it’s a gorgeous option because it just ends it all- ends all pain. And I’m speaking as a person that’s not going “No don’t do it, don’t do it” because you can’t do that. You can’t tell them “No, don’t do it” You know we have to be able to communicate. So when my boy (?) was on the phone for 30 minutes waiting for someone to answer, “Well, where are you? We can connect you here, we can connect you there.” Meanwhile I’m in the back of a police car being taken to the hospital and I don’t even remember going “Please help me, someone help me, I’m thinking of hurting myself.” The only thing I could think was my daughter and how beautiful she is (???) And that all goes out the window until you get to the hospital. And the reason that they have those 15 minute things and the reason people are hurting themselves is because when I got to that hospital and they were too busy getting my autograph, they were too busy finding out what band I was in, looking me up on the internet, “Oh, you sing that song ‘Hate Me’ don’t you? Oh my God”, getting on their cell phones telling their friends about it, sneaking their cousins in to get my autograph. Every 15 minutes- they don’t check on you every 15 minutes. I had shoestrings in my room. I had lighters in my room, I could have burnt the place down. This is what we have to work with here? I have to stand in an airport going “I want to kill myself!” for someone to take me seriously? First someone wouldn’t take me seriously, then you turn me into this hospital in Minneapolis, then you fly me out to get a bed available- to San Antonio. I was lucky my manager was there the whole time or I would have gone nuts. The whole time all I can think is “Oh my God, what if my daughter finds out.” But I need this help. I am supposed to be this strong lead singer of Blue October but I’m not as strong as everyone thinks I am. But I asked for help unconsciously and I got help. And when I got to San Antonio, Laurel Ridge, I got help. But not at one point were my shoelaces taken away and not at one point was my lighter taken away. I mean, it was like a joke. I mean, for someone who didn’t have a daughter to live for, or if someone didn’t have a brother or a band or a meaning to come for. I kept thinking “I’m going to get out of here and I’m going to help more people, I’m going to help more people. “ Cause, you know, that’s what I have to live for. But if someone didn’t have that, they had all the options right there, they could have done it. So it all involves the staff that we have at these facilities. It involves how much they care about their job. And when they look at each person, when they wake them up in the morning, instead of this attitude they give people “Oh my God, you better get in line or you’ll lose breakfast.” That’s all it is with them. You need to check your staff because every 15 minute intervals- psssssh. There were days when I would sleep for 4 hours and no one checked on me and I had the lighter in there the whole time. It’s the small things like that. I’m not saying I would have done “whatever” but I had my daughter to live for and now here I am, touring again. Yes, I have to take medication. I take (?) an antipsychotic, (?) for the voices, to calm those down and for reality to be in check. I take Paxil, just for the depression. I take Clonazepam as needed and I take Ambien if I can’t sleep. I don’t like taking all that stuff because then when I’m on stage I forget my lyrics. I forget who I was when I was trying to be that spokesperson, I end up getting stale. And my bands like “Why is he sleeping all day?” I just don’t know what to do make people realize how serious this is any more than putting a gun to my head and blowing my head off. That’s how serious it is. Because I had to scream from the top of my lungs in the airport and then my father had to talk them into taking me seriously… much less the stupid hotline that kept my friend on the line for 30 to 40 minutes. So if you want to know the real of it, that’s the real of it (not sure that’s right!) If you call someone, and you’re wanting to kill yourself you’re not going to wait 40 minutes- just pop on a TV show and wait for them, huh? No. You’re going to hang that phone up and say they don’t care about me. And then they are going to go off and do something else. I’m just saying check your staff, check the people you are admitting into these hospitals and giving jobs to. People without college degrees, people without any sort of social ability working in your units, teaching you, teaching classes every day, teaching classes and not giving a damn. And getting autographs? What the hell is that? Sneaking people in to get my autograph, that took precedent over my stay. But when I got out I promised that I would stay as healthy as I possibly could and I would join him (points to Reese Butler of Hopeline) in his fight because he actually lost his soul mate. It just breaks my heart. His soul mate is gone. Anybody have a soul mate out there? Look at them and hold them tight and tell them how much you love them. I’m here with him now (referring to Reese) to help him fight so that no one else looses their soul mates, or their brothers or their families or their brothers or sisters or cousins or anybody in their families or their friends. We have to communicate and we have to take people seriously. Next time someone calls you and says “I’m thinking of killing myself” you don’t say “oh oh oh oh”. You hang up , call the police and get them to the house. That’s it- boom- done. It’s not a joke, it’s not a game, it’s not a boy that cried wolf. Because one day they’re going to do it and it might just be someone’s soul mate. I just have to say that I’m sorry that I missed last year, I’m sorry I missed last year. I’m sorry I put people out of work for a while. But I’m thankful that I can be here right now and thankful that I could shed a little bit of light on how it feels inside these treatment centers. It’s the staff. You need to check your staff- really check them. Thank you very much, I really appreciate it.” Transcript from 78triple6/2010/04/blue-october-at-the-6th-annual-1-800-suicide-press-conference/
Posted on: Thu, 19 Sep 2013 19:35:17 +0000
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