KOUNTDOWN TO KICKOFF... Dear Drew Brees, Im short. I dont Represent the Lollipop Guild. I dont even have a membership card. I was never picked early for the basketball team in gym class. I was at the front of the line with the short kids even in Ms. Labers 6th grade class. Lets just say, I tower over Katt Williams, Prince, Bruno Mars, Kevin Hart and Mugsy Bogues... (Side note: tower means 2 or 3 inches when youre 57) ...but, Im about a pair of Nike Boots and a haircut short of Ice Cube, Nate Robinson, Usher or Steve Carell. Im like a black Mark Wahlberg but without the money. No, Im Spud Webb. No, wait, Im too fat to jump. Im Jermaine Lewis without all those Touchdowns and no DUI. That was cold. Ok, take away some Chips Ahoy and Shrimp Fried Rice, give me 5.4 yards/carry, 13 TDs and make me appear from out of nowhere behind Marshall Yanda, one of the best Guards in NFL history, and Im Justin Forsett. Now, put me up against your 19th ranked rushing defense and I might win another AFC Player of the Week award. Back to the point. Youre short and short people arent successful. ...and you have notoriously little hands for an NFL quarterback. That might work against your division but your division doesnt have a team with a winning record. ...because youre too short. Your stats say 60 which, in real life numbers is probably about 510. Youre Russell Wilson but without the current winning record. Speaking of winning records, you dont have one against us. In fact, the Baltimore Ravens are the ONLY NFL TEAM youve NEVER BEATEN!!! Why break tradition? Youll probably try, because you have a need to compensate for being one of the shortest QBs in NFL history by trying to break records. Youre Napoleon. ...without the hat. Youre too short to see over the line, so you find throwing lanes to make completions with Jimmy Graham. But, what will you do when C.J. Mosley jams him at the line EVERY PLAY and hurts that beat up shoulder of his until he hits the bench? What are you going to do when a throwing lane gets collapsed by Haloti Ngata? ...who is not short, and has been known to swat balls, sometimes even catch them afterward, and change career paths. Just ask RGIII. He hasnt been right since. What will you do when hes standing over top of you after barrelling through your sub-par O-Line? Feel like a short loser with a 64 340lb Tongan Beast standing over you, thats what youll do. Danny Gorer, who, at 60 is NOT short for a Cornerback, and Will Hill, 61 have a lot to prove and they gave us a taste of it with the scrimmage against Tennessee 2 weeks ago. Now they get to try it out against you. Take them lightly if you want. You have WR problems without Robert Meachem. Were missing 1. Jah Reid - Who cares and 2. Michael Campanaro - Hes a rookie and we have plenty of other Wide Receivers. Speaking of Wide Receivers, Steve Smith, Sr. at 59 might make you feel like youre not the smallest dude on the field but, he slings people around like rag dolls with one hand and you cant do that. and what do you think your 24th ranked pass defense will do against him? NOTHING! WHY? Cause youre too short and short people are not successful. You, like Joe are a Super Bowl Winning MVP. But, youre too short to stop our running game or our passing game. Youre too short to have a balanced attack against our front 7 which, some are saying is the best combination theyve ever seen. Did I mention Brandon William walks on his hands to prepare for a swim move that breaks bones and Elvis Dumervil, who leads the team and is second in the league with 10.5 sacks, runs THROUGH people to get to the quarterback? Jacoby Jones will be home in front of his family and friends. Hes capable of taking one to the house at any moment. You wont be able to stop him. ...because youre short and short people cant stop a kickoff or punt returner from scoring. Let go, get low and come to grips with reality and tradition, Drew. Youre too short to ever beat the Baltimore Ravens and I have to stand on a chair to reach the dishes on the top shelf. KOUNTDOWN TO KICKOFF, 3 HOURS, 23 TICKS AND 98, 89, 73, 58, 57, 29, 12, 5
Posted on: Wed, 26 Nov 2014 16:29:48 +0000
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