LET me really be #transparent and let the world know what Ive been dealing with...figure if i cant take myself apart, what good is it to be really deep to someone else. This season for me..has been me learning how to be alone. not without Jesus...but really truly..alone. I havent been comfortable with me..my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE. like, JUST me. as I am. i have had a DEPENDENCY on male approval (father issues) HEAVY female validation (mother issues) and have require a steady stream of almost-approval to balance out the secret field of self-pity that i got in a habit of operating in since the relationship that i CLAIM i have forgotten, ended. I have a issue. its that i remember. and sometimes when things stick me, they REALLY stick me...because what we believe is true..becomes it. I believed my ex with my whole heart when she told me to grow up and I was DETERMINED to prove her wrong..wait..did i say her? because you see...she seemed like a stain on my record. like no matter how far i went, if i saw her..i would just deflate and revert back to the child as long as SHE didnt see i grew up..you see...I can make someone my god..all they gotta do is be present to say thus saith. God has gifted me with a lot. and to be honest, i barely know what to do with it all. all of the expectations, that have been placed on me, are NO heavier then the ones i placed upon myself. whoever you are out there, fam. i cant do it for you. i wont do it for you. to my ex, it would be a CRIME to still hold on to you in this manner, im sorry that i lied and told you that i had let you go past this moment..i mean, we dont even speak anymore. I am letting and have LET you GO because greater is ahead of me. to all that will continue to expect me to please you..you will continue to be dissapointed. because i suffer..from a major condition called SIN and im gonna fall short of your expectations. every, single, day. and you know what? its okay if you do too. because i always lived under this complex that nobody should ever be mad at me. naw....u go head if it will get you to Jesus...legit im too done posting nonsense. love it or hate it, this is what it is. oh and to my enemies? yes, i know who you are. specifically to one. I still love you. nothing you do is going to change that love. If i dont die in the process of this fire you gonna put me through...just know that I really do love you. and im sorry. sorry for all the times i hurt you and didnt live up to your standards. sorry for feeding all of your insecurities..sorry for mocking you like i did...i love you. and i always will. but i love Jesus more. so bring it on, Abimelech. #declaration #linesdrawn #teamjesus
Posted on: Tue, 25 Mar 2014 02:38:14 +0000
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