LOST in VERMONT -EASY to get into Vermont but not GETTING OUT. I thought I might take a 3 hour tour,like GILLIGAN DID, into Vermont from Greenfield,Mass and just head NORTH...I knew that 2 Presidents were born there so I thought ..Why not visit their birthplaces while I am there?My GOOGLE searches showed me that Calvin Coolidge was born in Plymouth Notch,VT and Chester A. Arthur was born in FAIRFIELD,VT...That sounded like FUN and should be easy to find...........................WRONG.............................................................. I filled the tank in my BUICK with 8 cylinder engine..I can make any mountain they have up there...I thought.The car was just washed,my shoes were polished and I had two Ham and Cheese sandwiches in a small cooler next to me..I had a 6 pack of Diet MOXIE on ice in there too.Little did I know a can of that stuff was going to save my life. My GPS was set for CHESTER,VT so I could first ride on the COOLIDGE Memorial HWY located there..Town must have been named after Chester Arthur though,as I assumed......I strarted up US 91 North into Vermont...It seemed like it took an hour to get to the second exit which the lady voice on the GPS saidEXIT AHEAD EXIT AHEAD....so I followed her orders...SOMETHING I never do..Get directions from a woman..usually they say..turn at the yellow house then go past the flower shop and then watch for Maebels Hair Salon...If you past it you went too far..Men like directions like..Take a left on ELM..Go 3 blocks to SPRUCE and when you see Oak st..Its number 49...Anyway I took the EXIT...and it all went strangely down hill from there..literally AND figuratively . I came to a fork in the road right at the end of the exit....HERE is where it got stranger..The GPS lady said TURN RIGHT then follow this road to POTUNK..below it was listed BURLINTON 125 miles...ODDLY the other sign said Goshen and below it BURLINTON 124 miles...a 1 mile shortcut up to Burlington area...Me being so cheap that I squeek when I walk I decided to take the socalled short cut... .The GPS lady kept saying TURN AROUND TURN AROUND and I just kept chugging along.I found some station on the radio that WASNT a Christian channel and heard several HITS i hadnt heard in years..Theme to the Beverly Hillbillies,DELIVERANCE and ofcourse The Dukes Of Hazard tune ONCE AN HOUR.The weirdest thing is that as I passed an old farmhouse the farmer in the field waved at me, like he was shipwreck on an island for a year,plus as I passed by alittle more..The wife was hanging laundry on the line and she waved too plus there where about 7 kids I could count quickly all doing chores I supposed and all at once in unison they DROPPED their egg collecting baskets,milk buckets,jumped off of the plow horse,stopped pulling carrots and one even came charging out of the PRIVY as it is sometimes called and they all waved simultaniously...I was only driving by at 25 miles per hour since the road had permanent heaves in it...Looks to me like more horses traveled on that road than cars. The GPS went dead about 10 miles on that road but I figured I might ask for directions..YA RIGHT....That didnt help much in the vortex I had entered...I never saw any big road signs..just little town signs as you drive along...Cornville then West Cornville on to south Cornville but when I entered East Cornville I was now LOST..what an I taking all left turns?This cant be that I went EAST,West and south on the same ROAD..I knew I had to ask someone...NO HOUSES visible from this little farm road until finally I saw an old farmer at the road checking his mailbox..I stopped and he looked over my car silently then he blurted outwe only drive Subarus and Prius around here..NO BIG GAS HOGS WELCOME HERE..He flipped the mailbox door closed ,put up the FLAG on the box as I saw him put a letter in it...Without a word he turned and walked into his farmhouse and slammed the door..I think it was my BOSTON looks he didnt like..Before I drove away I glanced at his address...9817 Oceanfront avenue...HE was surrounded by tall mountains..CRAZY and worst of all...the town was listed as WHATs ITS NAME,VT..I heard the front door squeek open slowly and the barrel of a shotgun came slowly out..I floored it and threw out a non biodegradable plastic sandwich baggie to ruin his day and maybe give him a heartattack...I think you get 6 months in jail up there if you do not recycle and littering is 5 yrs.no parole..I floored ir,burnt a little rubber too but I didnt want to use up all my gas. Now its 5pm..Ive been driving for hours on roads that are bumpy,pitch to the right or left so bad your car could slide right down into a ditch or a river..NO WONDER they all drove down the middle of the roads...Did I mention the only traffic I encountered?First it was the biggest tractor I have ever seen pulling a Manure speader for 5 miles at 15 miles an hour..I could not pass him..he took up the whole road..finally he turned into a barren field to spread the slurry he was delivering...HE ALSO waved like he saw the first live person in years...then a lady on a horse yelled at me to GO HOME ...Get a SUBARU...VOTE for BERNIE...It was probably her uncle this BERNIE...forget about talking to her...Ofcourse there were at least big wagins being pulled by teams of horses..They pulled over to let me pass in my BUICK but they often covered the eyes of their children until I was way down the road... Finally I came to a 4 way intersection..I wanted to cry as my headlights lit it up and it pointed..WEST..BRIDGE TO NOWEAR..EAST..Road to BUMFUGG....SOUTH to Timbuctoo and NORTH to the END of the EARTH..I was LOST BIGTIME...Suddenly a guy around 40 years old comes walking up to my car..I asked him...How do I get back to the Highway ?He said Aint never been there.. then I said how do I get to Massachusetts? This time he said I NEVER want to go there..I finally said..I want to get out of here..which way do I go?He said..Go to NOWEAR..I said NOWHERE ?he said yup..thats NOWEAR..A NUDIST COLONY..I always go there and then go ..UP THE ROAD A PIECE....and when you get to NECK IN THE WOODS just continue through town.. I interrupted They have a TOWN THERE? He said well my cousin has a trailer there at the crve in the road if you want any YOUGURT,Ben and Gerries,CHEW ,Horse feed and 12 guage shotgun shells too...NO GAS SOLD THERE?...Oh NO..we hate those big oil companies so we all buy our gas in New Hampshire,Canada,New York or WORST CASE expensive MASS GAS...Before I could utter another word he saw a 12 point BUCK out in the field and took off at a gallop,on foot,bare feet after that deer ..I was shocked when I took out my binoculars and saw that he Caught up with the deer and they were just sitting their around a little campfire they lite up as they chatted about the blackflies...ANOTHER PART of this dream I was caught in. I took the bridge to NOWEAR and sure enough I passed by the NUDIST COLONY...YOU DO NOT WANT TO SEE THAT SIGHT..Everyone was as pale as white bedsheet..they dont get out in the sun much and it seemed like the men all had a big gut with a full beard and a full smile..The ladies were all knitting or feeding their goats for cheese later...AND OFCOURSE..THEY ALL..At The same time..lIKE A CUE was given..were WAVING like crazy..NOT I REALIZED they are mostly crazy....I hit the gas as some of the women,unshaven legs or armpits,long hair in ponytails,ELECT BERNIE bumper stickers on the rear ends..NOT THEIR CARS but on their DERRIERES..started throwing cabbages,tamatoes,quiche,Lattes,Pomergranites,Kiwis,crackers and cheese,bean dip and a few BRAS (they dont wear them there very often) at me SCREAMING like WILD BANSHIES....GET THAT HALIBURTON CHENEY,BUSH,WALL STREET,!%,MADE IN AMERICA..YUCK.....OFF OUR GREEN PLANET..I cant stand the shrill screams of LIBERALS..yelling NONSENSE.....I pulled over a SAFE DISTANCE from these Naked,wacKed out,living off the grid,all organic,BERNIE lovers with a sigh of relief I survived that encounter..EVEN as I sped away I noticed them all waving and I realized..They were never saying HELLO it was a mutual GOODBYE from them... I turned on my GPS..all of a sudden the British lady said...HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH?...I think I was hearing things since I had lost track of the minutes,hours and then days...STUCK ON ENDLESS winding roads,up and down mountains,dirt roads and old covered bridges..I never saw so many refridgerators and washing mashines in so many front DOORYARDS....The british lady says..IN 1 mile TURN RIGHT and take the TOLL ROAD....I put the buick in drive and to my surprise ..there was the ON RAMP to rt 91 SOUTH...I floored it onto the deserted highway..My car was on fumes but I kept it pointed south..Finally I hit the MASSACHUSSETS SIGN and a GAS STATION...I stopped and filled it up...Thankful to get the hell out of the GREEN MOUNTAIN STATE...As I was pulling away he yelled...WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MANY ....VOTE FOR BERNIE bumper stickers ON YOUR CAR ?...A CHILL RAN UP MY BACK as I could get SHOT AT in the Republican towns I go in all over MASS...IMAGINE a politican running on his FIRST NAME basis ONLY ? I always wave at the sign to go north to BARRE,VT but forget it...I dont ever want to get lost in LA-LA LAND AGAIN...GO PHISH
Posted on: Thu, 21 Aug 2014 19:07:30 +0000
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