“Ladies and gentlemen, what you are currently hearing is not the voice of God.” 52,535,513 French fireflies freeze in fear, 9,423 Cambodian cashiers clutch their ears and an eighth of the snakes in the Sahara gaze at the sky. “This is neither the heart of the apocalypse, nor the start of an advertisement.” 54,424 sleeping squirrels squeak in their sleep, 723 Protestant preachers pinch their left cheek and almost all of the babies in Babylon begin to cry. “This is neither a mutation of your imagination, nor a flirtation with your salvation.” 97,425 startled shopkeepers shut up shop, 142 Croatian contortionists call the cops and a herd of hippopotamuses howl at the heavens. “With that said, my name is Gabriel and I am here to save you all. Listen carefully and don’t panic.” 103,353 psychiatrists piss in their pants, 45,425 Latvian lovers loop hands and someone named Sam picks his nose somewhere in Devon. The mysterious voice is silent for seven seconds, and then a very strange but very beautiful song plays. 1,020,220 turtles tumble into a trance, 5456 Turkish twins begin to dance, and one tenth of all creatures spontaneously orgasm. “I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did. Take it as a small token of my peaceful intentions.” 143,353 synchronised swimmers smile, 1,532 joyful judges adjourn a trial, and a platoon of pensioners shoot the sky to thank him. “I should preface by stressing the importance of not contorting this message.” 243,214 Finnish fingers finger a cigarette, 942 broken stockbrokers break a sweat, and seven squads of secret servicemen simultaneously sigh. “Have I contorted this message by stressing the importance of this preface?” 153,241 blue butterflies flutter to a flower, 67 scared scientists scour a meteor shower, and a fistful of fiery-thighed lovers fall into the other’s eyes. “Well, I did my best, and I guess that I successfully stressed the blessed mess of expression.” 53,432 badly bent backs in Bangkok straighten, 366 certifiably sane Cypriotes shout ‘Satan’, And a news reporter reports he has nearly nothing to say. “But I shall not speak in tongues. I am Gabriel and I am here to save you all. Listen carefully and don’t panic.” The mysterious voice is silent for seven seconds, and then a very strange but very beautiful song plays.
Posted on: Sun, 13 Jul 2014 00:07:03 +0000
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