Last night was my first night at a hotel without Josh since he passed away. My first room alone. I went to the cities for a school board convention that honored my dad. I wasnt focused on anything about myself but the second I arrived, these thoughts flooded in to my brain. As I set foot in the Minneapolis Convention Center, I remembered this familiar place. I came here my junior year of high school for the college fair with my friends. When Josh and I used to discuss our lives before we met, we would find so many similarities between the paths wed taken in life. I even asked him if hed been to the college fair and when he told me he had, I always thought I bet we passed each other and never noticed. Walking through the big open corridor, I thought of that and smiled, with that ever-constant tinge of sadness. Going back to the hotel later, I saw the restaurant wed have dinner at that night. Ichibans. The last time I ate there was probably four years ago, with him of course. He shouldve been with me last night too, but he isnt here anymore. How is that possible? I pushed the sadness away and told him I loved him in my head. Walking into the hotel, I saw more familiar sights. I said to my sister as we walked down the hall, This is where we came for BPA conventions in high school, I remembered attending events in the small classrooms scattered throughout the hotel, fun breaks between them with classmates, cooped up in our hotel rooms, laughing. Dances at night. Happy memories. Then it changes to: that was a mere ten-and-half years ago. Look at me now. I put myself in that high school mes shoes. I knew I was going to go to college. I hoped I would fall in love, get married and have kids. I hadnt met him yet, but it was all going to unfold in beautiful synchronicity. And then he was going to be gone. My heart broke for that high school girl who had no idea what was coming. When we got in our room, I turned to my sister and said Im sorry, but I cant hold this in any more. I am so sad, this is so hard. Why does it happen like this? Amd I cried. I remembered the stupid argument wed have every time we stayed at a hotel. Josh would turn on every light and lamp in the place, crank the AC on high and turn the tv on before we left. I thought this was ridiculous, annoying, and rude. Why? We arent paying the bill. I just didnt get it. Instead of letting these memories take over my entire day, I went for a drink and caught a buzz and then took a nap. Perfect way to wrap that up (yes, just one drink). I focused on other things for the rest of the night, especially the reason I was there: to be with my family and honor my dad. I celebrated the little things, too: my first time parallel parking since my drivers test (yeah, I avoid that at all costs and would rather drive around the block for a couple of hours, but all the ramps were full in downtown Minneapolis yesterday afternoon and we were late. Even if Kelly says I had a space big enough for 1.5 of my cars, thats still success for me). AND I used chopsticks! I may have only gotten two bites into my mouth before I switched to a fork but damn it, I did it. Little successes, but hell, I celebrate it all these days. And finally, alone in a hotel room. I read one of my books and then slept as much as I could. I looked in the mirror this morning and thought okay, one more first down. Then I turned on every light, every lamp, the tv, and I left. One step at a time...
Posted on: Fri, 16 Jan 2015 19:34:05 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015