Last rounds begin tomorrow. I still, absolutely everyday,shake my head in disbelief that my son has had to battle cancer. In the baby picture, Colin is 13 months old and never ever would it even remotely enter my mind that this would have happened to him.It was taken in October, almost exactly 14 years ago. He loved mommy kisses and was reaching out towards my dad, who was taking the picture. We were at the Pumpkin Festival in Doylestown and it was just such a picture perfect day. In the next picture, it is early April and he was so very sick that day. I had to use a wheel chair to get him to the photo room. You cant see his IV pole with numerous bags on it, just outside of the picture. We had to help him walk the 10 feet to the chair to sit down, he just couldnt do it. I hadnt planned on being in the pictures with him but she said, go give him a kiss and what mom can resist that? I love his face, he soooo didnt want that mom kiss but yet, physically couldnt stop me. Yet, his spirit shines through. Now, that last one was taken in July. All Colin and totally unwilling to have mom lips touch his face. We were laughing and he finally was back to being stronger than me. We began this roller coaster on February 22nd. 212 days ago. 54 days of chemo over 8 cycles through 7 months, 3 bone marrow aspirates, over 10 Spinal taps, 88 days in CHOP, multiple CAT scans, MRIs, ultrasounds, 3 surgeries, hundreds of pills. Lost count with vomiting, fevers, mucositis inflammations, x-rays, and transfusions. Pneumonia, C-diff (twice), lost all his hair- twice. Logged over 1,000 miles (so far) to clinic at King of Prussia, 3000 miles back and forth to the hospital. Over $7,000,000 billed by CHOP; I have stopped opening the explanations of benefits, to be honest. I cant remember what else. So tomorrow, we head to clinic to begin these last rounds of chemo. It has taken all 212 days to realize that there is no sense looking back at life behind us. Wishing for a return to not worrying all the time. Having in the back of my head the multitudes of what ifs. I know it is on Colins mind as well. He has said, simply, It would really suck if cancer came back. I dont believe it will. I fear it will but I dont believe it. I now understand this path is a permanent one. Making space in my brain to understand I will have to work towards accepting Colin getting monthly blood tests and CT scans every few months. I realize I can do it, our whole family can. It just really isnt that different than anyone else. Day to day, month to month, we all live with the what ifs but the difference between you and I is, in your mind, the what ifs just have no format yet. It is guaranteed you will be in my shoes some day. I am not saying with a child with cancer but with something. Losing a parent, loved one, an illness, a lost job, - something. My point is make a change now in how you are thinking. I am not saying to be scared of the what ifs, not at all. I am saying to realize that the right nows are actually really good. They may be hard and tiring and not how you pictured it would be. If you realize that every day is a good day, not think it but feel it- when the guaranteed what if finally does happen, you wont look behind you thinking you wasted all that time thinking a better day will come. Trust me people, the better days are actually here and happening right now. Dont wait for a what if to happen to realize it. So, as Colin finishes chemotherapy and we begin recovering and accepting another new normal, please please send those good vibes his way. He is ready, more than ready, to leave this behind him.
Posted on: Sun, 21 Sep 2014 21:30:42 +0000
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