Letters to Heaven 2nd January 2015 Beautiful beautiful baby Oscar, Mummy is missing you so very very much today. I feel so sad. I feel so alone, yet I am surrounded by the most special and amazing people... I am so very lucky. I know that I am grieving for you my darling and that everyday is different but I just wish you were here.... I know that I will wish that everyday for the rest of my life.... I never really understood that feeling that my mummy friends described to me in the past when they spoke about their precious little ones... They would say things like The feeling of becoming a mummy is the best feeling in the world or When you become a mum nothing else matters... and do you know what I get it now.. and it breaks my heart more each time I think about it because my Oscar I wont be able to bring you up, watch you play alongside your baby cousin Kamil, be cuddled by your aunties and unlces, and keep me awake every hour of the night..... I miss that you wont get to do all of those things.... I miss you, I miss everything I yet had to learn about you as we grew together as mother and baby.... Mummy spent lots of time with unlce Ali (Ila Quest) today editing our story that we have filmed. Uncle Ali has worked so hard, spent so many hours filming, editing and perfecting the video so that it raises awareness... I am so unbelievably thankful.. Sitting with Ali and going through all of the footage reminded me of our journey, of how everyday I held you safely in my tummy made me feel like the richest person alive, like I had won the Mummy Lottery a million times over.... The pain and sadness that not only I felt when my world came crumbling down but how much it affected everyone who loves you, everyone who kindly text to see how you were, to see how we were in hospital and to wish us well. Oscar I will never know why I didnt get the chance to be your earth mummy and hold you forever here but I will always hold you in my heart, I will keep your name being spoken and your little life appreciated through your charity. I wont ever stop crying tears for you, for the strength and sheer determination that you showed me..... You are my inspiration... The reason I will get up everyday and face whatever the world throws at me. I promise you that I will make you proud of me.... Show you that I would have been the best mummy I could have been to you. I promise you Oscar. As I cried while washing and packing away all of your Miss Mass decorations tonight, I thought about how beautiful I promise to make your forever bed look... It will always look lovey and reflect my love for you. It will be bright and colourful how I imagine your personality would have been... You are so incredibly special and I didnt get the chance to tell you that.... Can you hear me in Heaven? Can you hear mummy talking to you as I cuddle Oscar Bear? I cuddle Oscar Bear all night and hope that you feel my love for you... I wanted to show you your very special presents from uncle Ali and aunty Nilu.... Your lovely Oscar Jensen candle holder that will twinkle in my lounge when I am home... Isnt it beautiful? My darling Mummy is going to write some more her book to raise funds for your charity now and I hope you approve my angel. I love you from the tip of your toes to the top of your nose.... love you Oscar xx Love Mummy xxx
Posted on: Fri, 02 Jan 2015 21:59:41 +0000