Life, has always been quite the event for me. Nothing has ever been easy. I was lucky enough to be born with the opportunities to succeed, but that doesnt lend me a free ticket to success. I have never taken help from anyone as a general rule, because I always have felt the need to prove to myself that I can. I can succeed. And maybe, just maybe, if I stick it out long enough, I will. I never ask for help, not because I dont want to share my success, but because I dont want to share my failure. Through all my self-inflicted failure and hardship over the years I have learned a habit. Expect Nothing, Hope for Everything. By that I literally expect nothing. In the literal sense. I expect failure, I expect hardship, I expect denial, rejection, and pain. But that has never stopped me. What separates me from being total defeatist is that I hope. The only things that have kept me going in life is the hope I force into myself and the hope given to me by those who truly respect and care for me, unconditionally. Expect Nothing, Hope for Everything. I always tell people that Im the kind of person that when I set my mind on something, I get it done, no matter what. That is actually a bit of a lie. I give myself something to do and toss myself into it before I can assess what damage might come to me as a result. Yes, I am in college, yes, I have a long-standing job, and yes, I have friends. There is a flip-side. I am swimming in debt more than I can practically comprehend, I constantly doubt myself as to whether or not Im doing the right thing to progress, and I smile on the outside for my friends because Ive been fool enough to let people get just close enough to me for me to hurt them, but not allowing them to hurt me. I smile every day in order to assure my friends that I havent given up yet. It escapes me how anyone can be hurt by me being hurt on my own, but nevertheless I smile. I dont live for myself. I dont care. I live purely to prevent myself from making people feel how I do every day. There isnt much I can truly say I hate in this world but I can say with all my being, I HATE pain. I will take hell upon my shoulders before I accept that my friends are in pain without helping. Expect Nothing, Hope for Everything. Ive been told to love myself, Ive been told to stay positive, and all that cliche nonsense. The fact is that I simply do not know the meaning of loving myself. I dont know how. Simple as that. It may be hard to conceive, but I dont live for myself. I live to kill pain. I live in pain so that I know what pain is. I live in pain so that I can take that pain away from others. I will carry hell itself for the people I care for, but not for myself. I have left friends behind, some of those might even read this post. This message is to you. I didnt leave because I changed. I left because I havent. I have seen you are happier in life without me and I am fine with that. My only goal is for you to be happy, at any cost to myself. So if I havnt talked to you for a long time, it is probably because I have decided that you happier without me, so I move on to help people who still do need me. So I expect nothing, I hope for everything. I push myself to the breaking point every single day. Just for you. ~Robert van Lingen
Posted on: Sat, 08 Mar 2014 05:57:27 +0000
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