Life is tough. We live in a messed-up world and we’re messed-up people, rescued only by God’s grace. Sometimes, no matter how well a parent raises a child, the child still makes a wrong choice. This might have happened to you … or to one of your leaders … or to a teen in your Youth group. When this happens to someone you know, you might struggle with saying the right thing – but truly want the person to know you care. Promising anonymity, I asked a parent to share from her own experience about what to say and what not to say when learning of a child going the wrong direction. I’m dividing the post into two – the first part reminding us what not to say. The second part focusing on what to say. I thank our guest blogger for sharing her heart. ————– Do you know a parent whose child/teen is struggling with addiction, suicide, immoral behavior and/or other rebellion that has gotten him trouble (maybe even trouble with the law)? You want to do something to help but you should realize that saying the wrong thing (or gossiping about it) creates pain and alienation, not relief or support. Here are a few things NOT to say (do) 1. “Hey, I saw your son’s name in the paper (or heard it on TV) and learned he’s under arrest. What happened?” Or, “I hear your daughter moved in with her boyfriend. What’s up with that?” The whole tone of these questions shows that the person is more interested in gossiping about your child and doesn’t truly care. Do not ask questions with the overtone of wanting the details. 2. “Well, it serves him/her right! You always did have trouble with that kid.” While this might be true, it isn’t a kind thing to say to a parent. Yes, the teen might be acting rebelliously or the teen might deserve jail, but you aren’t the judge. What happened to grace and truth, love and doctrine? We need the balanced approach God showed on the cross. He showered down mercy and grace when we were still sinners and because of that sin - enemies of God. (Romans 5:8) How dare we do anything less? 3.” Your child is living what kind of lifestyle? He/she can never be redeemed or restored. He/she is lost forever.” (We had a pastor not only tell us that, but also our son.) 4. “I just can’t believe YOUR son/daughter would do that.” Neither could we. Never again will I judge a parent who is doing his/her best when her kid makes serious wrong choices. Never will I falsely assure that “good kids can’t do bad things.” Godly parents raising their children in the ways of the Lord the best they know how are not guaranteed a godly child. “Train up a child” is a principle, not a promise. 5. “Are you all right?” I would like to scream “NO!” How can I be? But then I realize the person is just trying to help and show kindness – but he/she doesn’t have a clue. 6. “At least my child was never THAT bad.” This is not the time or place for you to share your own struggles (or child’s achievements), unless you truly can empathize and help. 7. “Let me share some verses with you to help you feel better. Because you know you’re supposed to thank God for everything. Count it all joy! God will turn all things for good.” All true. We know that. But do not sing songs to a heavy heart. (Proverbs 25:20) 8. “If only you had _____________. Why didn’t you _______________? Have you thought about ___________?” We have heard it all. In fact, we have asked ourselves all of your questions, played through what we could have done differently or what we could have done better. Self-doubt and failure is very painful, especially when it comes to your children. Disappointment and death of dreams crushes the soul. 9. Some who did not know us well or understand the situation would tell us we were in the way of God doing His work. They told us to get out of the way and allow God to do His work. Don’t speak for God. 10. “Will you be cutting off your relationship with him/her?” We praise God He doesn’t cut off His relationship with us when we fail. We want to follow God, His Word and His example. Consequences? Yes. Conditional love? No. Please don’t be so quick to judge and offer advice while also being so slow to forgive. This causes us not to share, but to keep things internalized. We need you to encourage, not condemn. Please listen carefully and speak only if necessary. We need listening, caring ears and shoulders to cry on more than we need words.
Posted on: Mon, 10 Mar 2014 16:26:24 +0000
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