MEN HELPING CHILDREN AFTER DIVORCE - By Emmanuel Mukula. Sunday Post Of Date 19th October 2014 . I have always encouraged people to work on their marital problems and have divorce as the last option. It is just unfortunate that sometimes, it remains the only option after the couple has tried all they can to make it work despite having kids between them. In most cases, men after divorce tend to take the back seat and sometimes forget about the kids and leave parenting to the mothers alone and this is what I would like to address in this articles. For children, divorce can be stressful, sad, and confusing. At any age, kids may feel uncertain or angry at the prospect of mom and dad splitting up. As a father, remember always that you’re their father and know that you can make the process and its effects less painful for your children. Helping your kids cope with divorce means providing stability in your home if they are with you and attending to your childrens needs with a reassuring, positive attitude. It wont be a seamless process, but a few things I want to share can help your children cope. As a parent, it’s normal to feel uncertain about how to give your children the right support through your divorce or separation. It may be uncharted territory, but you can successfully navigate this unsettling time and help your kids emerge from it feeling loved, confident, and strong. There are many ways you can help your kids adjust to divorce. Your patience, reassurance, and listening ear can minimize tension as children learn to cope with new circumstances. By being there for them, you remind children they can count on you for stability, structure, and care. And if you can maintain a working relationship with your ex wife, you can help kids avoid the stress that comes with watching parents in conflict. Such a transitional time can’t be without some measure of hardship, but you can powerfully and objectively reduce your children’s pain by making their well-being your top priority despite the break up with their mother. Kids will of course say that they need both of you to stay involved in their lives and this is what you must do. Even after divorce, say you’re not with them, write letters, make phone calls, and ask them lots of questions. When you don’t stay involved, they feel like they are not important and that you don’t really love them. As a man, work on it and stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to your kids because they need you both. When you fight about them, they start to blame themselves and think that they did something wrong and feel guilty and this may seriously affect them negatively. The kids want to love you both and enjoy the time that they spend with each of you. Support them and at the same time, let them spend time with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, they feel like they need to take sides and love one parent more than the other which is wrong. Have a relationship with their mother and communicate directly with her so that you don’t have to send messages back and forth. Make it a point that you say only nice things about their mother, or don’t say anything at all because the problems you have are between you two and should never involve the children. When you say mean and unkind things about their mother, they feel like you are expecting them to take your side which is again wrong. Always remember that they want both of you to be a part of their lives. They want to count on both mom and dad to raise them, to teach them what is important, and to help them when they have problems. When it comes to telling your kids about your divorce, many parents freeze up. Make the conversation a little easier on both yourself and your children by preparing significantly before you sit down to talk. If you can anticipate tough questions, deal with your own anxieties ahead of time, and plan carefully what you’ll be telling them, you will be better equipped to help your children handle the news. Difficult as it may be to do, try to strike an empathetic tone and address the most important point’s right up front. Give your children the benefit of an honest but kid-friendly explanation. Your kids are entitled to know why you are getting a divorce, but long-winded reasons may only confuse them. Pick something simple and honest, like “We can’t get along anymore.” You may need to remind your children that while sometimes parents and kids dont always get along, parents and kids dont stop loving each other or get divorced from each other. However simple it may sound, letting your children know that your love for them hasn’t changed is a powerful message. Tell them you’ll still be caring for them in every way, from fixing their breakfast to helping with homework when they are with you. Preempt your kids’ questions about changes in their lives by acknowledging that some things will be different now, and other things won’t. Let them know that together you can deal with each detail as you go. It’s vital to be honest with your kids, but without being critical of your spouse. This can be especially difficult when there have been hurtful events, such as infidelity, but with a little diplomacy, you can avoid playing the blame game. As much as you can, try to agree in advance on an explanation for your separation or divorce and stick to it. Have this in mind - For kids, divorce can feel like loss: the loss of a parent, the loss of the life they know. You can help your children grieve and adjust to new circumstances by supporting their feelings. Listen Encourage your child to share their feelings and really listen to them. They may be feeling sadness, loss or frustration about things you may not have expected. Help them find words for their feelings. It’s normal for children to have difficulty expressing their feelings. You can help them by noticing their moods and encouraging them to talk. Let them be honest. Children might be reluctant to share their true feelings for fear of hurting you. Let them know that whatever they say is okay. If they aren’t able to share their honest feelings, they will have a harder time working through them. You may not be able to fix their problems or change their sadness to happiness, but it is important for you to acknowledge their feelings rather than dismissing them. You can also inspire trust by showing that you understand. Many kids believe that they had something to do with the divorce, recalling times they argued with their parents, received poor grades, or got in trouble. You can help your kids let go of this misconception. Repeat why you decided to get a divorce. Sometimes hearing the real reason for your decision can help them. While it’s good for kids to learn to be flexible, adjusting to many new things at once can be very difficult. Help your kids adjust to change by providing as much stability and structure as possible in their daily lives. Remember that establishing a structure and continuity doesn’t mean that you need rigid schedules or that mom and dad’s routines need to be exactly the same. But creating some regular routines at each household and consistently communicating to your children what to expect will provide your kids with a sense of calm and stability. Conflict between parents divorced or not can be very damaging for kids. It’s crucial to avoid putting your children in the middle of your fights, or making them feel like they have to choose between you. Remember that your goal is to avoid lasting stress and pain for your children. The following tips can save them a lot of heartache. Never argue in front of your children, whether it’s in person or over the phone. Ask your ex wife to talk another time, or drop the conversation altogether. Use tact and refrain from talking with your children about details of their other parent’s behavior. It’s the oldest rule in the book: if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. In ending, let me say that, always Be polite in your interactions with your ex wife. This not only sets a good example for your kids but can also cause your ex to be gracious in response. Look on the bright side. Choose to focus on the strengths of all family members. Encourage children to do the same. Make it a priority to develop an amicable relationship with your ex wife as soon as possible. Watching you be friendly can reassure children and teach problem-solving skills as well. If you find yourself, time after time, locked in battle with your ex over the details of parenting, try to step back and remember the bigger purpose at hand. Relationship with both parents is key and always remember to do what’s best for your kids in the long run? Till next week, may the good lord give you strength and wisdom to got through this trying time. The writer of this article is a Life Coach and Motivational Speaker as well as a Master Of Ceremonies for both corporate and social functions.For his services, call 0978980332 or email him on emmymukula@gmail .You can also follow him on facebook Emmauel Mukula – Life Coach or on twitter @emmanuel_mukula.
Posted on: Tue, 21 Oct 2014 14:43:09 +0000
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