MFMTY (shooting at the walls of tv, bang bang) As I attempt to get 3 stars on the 48th level of Candy Crush Saga for the 200th freaking time this week, I can hear the latest episode of Scandal blasting away in the next room. Apparently, Scandal is not, as I previously assumed, about the band Scandal and their 1984 hit The Warrior. (And apparently, Patty Smyth is a totally different person than Patti Smith. Huh). Due to their hearing impairments, everything my grandparents watch is broadcast at a deafening level of volume which enables (or forces) me to pay some kind of attention, even peripherally, to whatever it is theyre watching. I would wear headphones to retain some semblance of a life without constant television, but I dont want to take the risk of singing along, shooting at the walls of heartache, band bang, I am the warrior on my headies while one of my grandparents calls for my help. Itd be a scandal. (Headies is now my new fun word for headphones, by the way.) The television probably operates more than the air conditioning in this house, and thats saying something in Florida. They usually watch a movie every night, though things have gotten a bit weird in that department. I dont thinkmy grandmother knows how to use Netflix. This past week weve watched a made-for-tv movie about online dating, an ultraviolent Jason Statham movie, and a hilariously profane turd called Empire State with Dwayne The Rock Johnson that my grandparents shut off after the first five minutes of F-Bombs. My grandfather said Barabara, where the hell do you find these damn things? These are 80-yr old people were talking about. They thought Benny Hill was risque. Point being, I gotta handle my grandmas Netflix queu). Between the two of them, they watch a wide variety of television. My grandfather generally prefers the news, football and the History and Discovery Channels, which, to my knowledge, strictly air programs about large bearded men either hunting or buying things (Pawn Stars, Swamp People, Mountain Men, Ax Men, Gold Rush, Alaska The Last Frontier, American Pickers, Yukon Men, Deadliest Catch, Bar Hunters, Auction Kings, Buying the Bayou, Dukes of Haggle). These are literally all real shows on just these two channels. Now, I can dig that hunting and buying things are probably two of the more important concepts in the History of mankind and Discovery of the world, but I have the feeling that these two channels are getting something wrong. My grandmother watches the network primetime shows, like NCIS, Revenge, The Good Wife, The Blacklist, and Scandal. The latter, from the creator of Grays Anatomy, is on currently, and I feel like my ears are getting raped by words. This is obviously my personal opinion (just as everything anyone says is their personal opinion...how can it not be...think about it), but shows like these are like eating a McDonalds quarter-pounder with cheese-- you are fooled into thinking there is some type of content, when in reality you are simply left unfulfilled and wanting more, or just sick to your stomach. And I blame Aaron Sorkin. Heres one of those grand, general statements I both love and hate-- The West Wing was, with the possible exception of Miami Vice, Hill Street Blues and Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, the most important television show ever. Its critical and commercial success (an average of 17 million viewers for the first three seasons in years without DVRs, along with 26 Emmy wins) obviously meant that networks, suits and producers wanted to emulate its style and develop something similar. But ultimately, its importance is found in how it appealed to writers, and how writers would copy it endlessly in the years to come. The basic outline of an episode of The West Wing is such-- people walk through seemingly endless hallways, talking faster than those guys at the end of advertisements for prescription medicine who read 100 side-effects in 5 seconds, with the wit and intelligence and intensity of the greatest speakers ever. Thats 80% of the show. Walking and talking. And it worked, because the characters were developed, we believed they were this smart, and the dialogue was generally excellent. This is a screenwriters wet dream-- a show that is almost exclusively dialogue allows them to flex their verbal muscles without having to ever put any real thought into anything. And this is how Scandal sounds right now. These people wont shut the hell up. Theyre not as smart as they think they are, because the dialogue is not witty and intelligent and intense, the dialogue only serves to indicate that it is witty and intelligent and intense. Its the dramatic equivalent to a laugh track-- instead of indicating when youre supposed to find something funny, it tells you when something is supposed to be dramatic, clever and intelligent. Its an empty thing masquerading as an axiom. Heres a sample line, delivered by lead character Olivia Pope to her friend Huck: I have to admit, Im not a person who gives change to homeless guys in the Metro. I dont do that. I dont stop, which is. I dont stop. But I stopped for you. You made me stop. It was your eyes. You have the saddest eyes. They were sadder than mine. After vomiting in my mouth, I can clearly say that this is bad dialogue. But its delivered with such intensity and so quickly, just like every other damn line in this and other shows, that people assume it is intelligent and intense and good. Sorkin convinced writers that they could fill a show with self-indulgent, endless dialogue about nothing in particular and still get millions of viewers, 26 Emmys and 7 seasons. Hell, Sorkin even convinced himself of this (check out his HBO show The Newsroom for one of the worst examples of this kind of TV show). But Im not buying it. I listen to dialogue, no matter how fast and dramatically performed it is. I like marshmallows, but I cant take that much fluff. Hey oh.
Posted on: Sun, 24 Nov 2013 23:03:19 +0000
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