MY FACEBOOK CRITICS HAVE SHAMED ME INTO READING “THE POWER OF POSITIVE THINKING” IN ORDER TO CURE MY AVERSION TO STUPID LIBERALS Because I am the sensitive type (I got it from my mom), I have been deeply wounded by my Facebook critics, who have, repeatedly, said I am much too hard on empty-headed liberals (in full disclosure, my description, not my critics’ description of liberals) whom I have called (again, in full disclosure) “boneheads,” and “idiots,” as well as “jug heads.” I admit that I have done so, like, 100% of the time, because I believe in telling the truth when it comes to these meat heads, and am not politically correct. I would like the Facebook world to know, nevertheless, that I have taken your criticisms to heart, after a great deal of introspection, reflection, meditation, turning inward, getting in touch with my inner-self, and doing an exorcism of the demons in my own head. Because of the deep sense of woundedness (if I can be given the liberty, here, to coin a word) I feel from the stinging criticisms I have received at the hands of the rich and famous, and the poor and powerless, alike, I have been in search of my own self, which I think liberals say is trying to find yourself, since you are, apparently, not where you are standing. Most of my melancholy, and feelings about the need for personal redemption, have taken place, I must admit, when I have been on my way to the bank, or when I was out dancing, but I still managed to have a breakthrough, which led me to decide to take my legion of critics’ voices to heart. It’s my mom, and my sensitive side. Have I said that I get my sensitive side from my mom? Oops, yes I have, in the preceding sentence, as a matter of fact. Anyway, I was determined to work on myself, so I decided to read this book, “The Power of Positive Thinking,” and I must say, having finished the book on Monday of this week, I have already seen some positive results. I would like to share just five examples of my new-found positive outlook, because I want my critics, who have called me every name under the sun, to know that I am a changed man. I think all will agree that the following examples show that I am now “Mr. Positive.” 1. On Wednesday, of this week, I went to the township office to pay my property taxes, where I ended up paying the equivalent of an arm, and a leg, having managed to raise most of the money I owed by selling my first born, mortgaging my house, and crawling under my bed to look for any spare change that might have been kicked underneath. Now, most will probably think that I was depressed, when I left the treasury office where they are stealing our money, but nope, not after reading the book, “The Power of Positive Thinking.” I was able to remain positive, grateful that no one in the office told me to get my hands up in the air because this was a holdup, for which I was very grateful. I actually ended up thanking the man for taking my money, with a smile on his face, and shook his hand after he told me I wouldn’t have to pay the rest, until Friday. I was really happy when he said he would wait until 4:30 P.M., on Friday, for me to pay the rest, after which he would be at my house, to throw me, and my furniture, out on the street. I didn’t so much as frown one time, while I was getting fleeced again, by the government. Because of this book, I just counted to 10, and repeated the words, “Pins and needles, needles and pins, it’s a happy man that grins.” That was it. I put a smile on my face, and decided, right then and there, to try to raise the rest of the money by 4:30 P.M. Friday, today, in fact, by asking my neighbors if they had any work I could do, such as mowing their lawns, or cleaning out their garages. That’s positive thinking, for sure, all the way around, and I owe it all to this book. 2. The day before the above happened, I decided to use my George Foreman Grill to cook some of the chicken I bought from this guy who came by, about two weeks ago, who wouldn’t take my word for it, when I told him that I didn’t have any room in my freezer for the frozen food he was selling. Well, he insisted on seeing the freezer, which is located on the left side of my refrigerator. When he looked in the freezer, I found out from this guy that all the frozen meat, and vegetables I had in my freezer, had freezer burns, including two steaks I had bought the day before, which he tossed on the table, along with the rest of the freezer burned food. I, in turn, tossed everything he was tossing, in the refrigerator, which is located on the right side of my freezer, especially those two steaks, because, at $7.99 a pound, I decided that, unless the burns were from the oven, I could live with it. Anyway, I finally got around to cooking some of the chicken, Tuesday. Each piece was boneless, apparently quick frozen, in a separate bag. Because of the small size of each bag, I decided to cook four pieces of chicken on the grill, to go along with a small baked potato, and two frozen corn tots. It was the wrong measurement. Those pieces of chicken looked bigger when they were frozen. I went to bed hungry. But, because of this book, I thought of the times I was sent to bed hungry, by my mom, when I was growing up, because I didn’t do my chores. I just put a smile on my face, reflecting on this memory, and decided to get up earlier than usual, the next morning, so I could fix breakfast before heading out to get beat on for the rest of the day, by the rest of the world, made up of 7 billion people. What a book! 3. This book has so affected my positive outlook that I was even able to watch a video that was posted on Facebook, by several people, which featured MSNBC’s Larry O’Donnell interviewing New York Mayoral candidate, Anthony Weiner, two candidates for Bellevue, or its equivalent, Congress, where Weiner, in fact, was formerly housed. Normally, when either person appears on my television screen, I start gasping for air, and, again in full disclosure, start to panic if I can’t find my remote before their lips start moving, but (and this has to be attributed to the book) not one bead of sweat formed on my forehead, and not one bit of anxiety was felt, despite the fact that these two men appeared, at the same time, on a split screen, an absolute double whammy. But I didn’t gag, not once. Does one need any further proof of this book’s affect on my “consciousness”? 4. If more proof is needed, I went to the first session of a study group which I serve as the moderator. We start each year in September, and end our sessions in May, at Pages Bookstore, located in Downtown Flint. The session ended at 7:00 P.M., and as I was traveling back home, not once did I think of the possibility of getting shot. That book is worth its weight in gold, for that alone. 5. It is now going on 11:00 A.M., and I don’t have the rest of the tax money, but my positive thinking won’t allow me to even entertain the possibility that I could be out there holding one of those signs I see people holding up on street corners, saying they will work for food, which is what everybody works for, since nobody works for free any more, given the outcome of the Civil War. Because of the book, “The Power of Positive Thinking,” I have every confidence that I will be able to raise $4 million in the next four hours to pay my taxes. OK, you caught me, folks, the above is satire. I ain’t changing. I am never going to stop talking about these hare-brained liberals. It’s my mom’s fault.
Posted on: Fri, 13 Sep 2013 15:07:12 +0000
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