MY VILLAGE DATING EXPERIENCE (PART 1) In my village, revealing that you had a girlfriend was anything between sin and a shameful act. Things were done so secret that it was only left to speculation for one to determine “nani ako na nani” (Who is dating who”. I started trying to learn this dating mystery when I was young – well of course it was as simple as talking to one girl severally in school, while at the posh mill or after Sunday school and later claiming that she was mine! Girls often got so pissed about such moves and could blast boys during class for claiming ownership yet they had not even expressed interest! There were several methods of showing a girl interest, of course nearly three quarters of those never worked really. We would purport to be interested in a textbook which we could ask her to bring to the river where we took cows to drink or went to fetch water for use. But the funny part was when she appeared and hand over the book. It was a tense moment trying to find the right words to tell her what we wanted! So, there was this girl called *Chela in my neighborhood whom every boy dreamt of. She was very beautiful that if one was known to have spent even five minutes with her, all boys would seek advice on how to win over girls from that boy! I took it as my challenge to win over the girl and get the pleasure of teaching boys how to woo girls! So, one Friday, I approached her after class – she sat a next to me and I could slip notes into her locker to pass a message because I could not face her. “Did you find a note in your locker?” I asked. I could feel sweat forming on my hands, my temperature was fast rising and I feared that she would notice I was nervous the moment I started perspiring on my fore head. I had to do this fast! “No! I never saw anything!” *Chela retorted. I felt disappointed; my only hope of getting her was slipping off my hands! “I had left you a note asking for your science exercise book because I had a stomach ache and was not able to write then,” I said, crossing my fingers she would fall into my trap. “Yes! But you can get it tomorrow (Saturday).” Of course I agreed. I had gotten more than I bargained for as if she had given me the book then, I could not have had a chance to tell her to become my girlfriend. So, we agreed to meet at the river the following day. That night I did not sleep, my mind kept practicing the words I could use to make her accept me! It was tough getting the right word and of course it made it worse because the conversation was in vernacular and so, now that I have learnt the Englishman’s language, I realize that there are words which could have made it easy for me to pass my message. The following day, I woke up early; I took my time looking at myself in the mirror – to convince myself that I had the looks that could make her consider my proposal! Every one of us has that moment, when you have to look at yourself in the mirror and make faces as if trying to re-shape our faces. I hardly took a bath between 8.am and 5 pm unless when going for a Safari (Nearest town to seek medical attention), school or church – in most cases I could just wash the part of my body that could be visible after I ware my “safari” clothes. There were clothes specifically for trips, if our mother found us wearing them, it was a good excuse to beat us for all other mistakes she had let us off the hook – or was it postponing punishment? That day, I took a bath at 9 am before setting out to herd the cows. It was abnormal for me to bath at that time so I did not ask my mum for warm water as she could have wanted to know where I was going. I had to brave the freezing water. I had packed my clean clothes which I stole from my mother’s room in a 10kg sack! – it was the only available “bag” which I could carry without anyone raising questions as we often carried sacks to cushion our shoulders when carrying logs to be used as firewood. I had also stolen my aunt’s perfume (I recall it was called something like Yolanda 2) and sprayed the cloths before stuffing them in the sack which previously had fertilizer! No sooner had I vanished into the thick forest than I donned my new outfit- of course without shoes. I remember it was a “Kaunda Suit”. So, there I was, dressed for the occasion and with the numerous times I had practiced my pickup lines, I was confident the village princess could be mine! Her time to come to the river was around 2 pm. I had been stalking her severally, at times creeping behind the bushes just to see her! So I took my cattle near the river and when she arrived, I waited for her to fill her containers and set off to her journey back home then I emerged. When *Chela saw me her face changed! It was as if she had seen a walking ghost. She looked at my feet, scanned me upwards to the head and then she asked. “Have you been at the farm dressed like this?” I looked at her, wondering why she had asked such a question. Of course my legs were full of mud but I thought it could have been understood because I had walked through mud just like her – she also did not have shoes. “You have fertilizer all over your head and cloths!” *Chela said looking straight into my eyes. My thoughts evaporated, for a second, I thought of taking off and vanishing into the thick forest. “Yyy..yes! It’s just that I had been sent to buy soap before joining my parents at the farm. I came to see you as agreed because I need the book.” She handed me the book, and bid farewell, but..i was not done! “*Chela, mmh! I had something to tell you!” She stood, looked at me and smiled. I thought it was a good sign, for once since we met; she had not smiled even an inch. My confidence sprung up. Like I had received a fresh dose of adrenaline, I gathered my remaining courage. “I want you!” I said! “You want to do what with me?”, *Chela posed! “mmh, I want you to assist me in mathematics, I realize I fail a lot,” I retorted, mu voice shacking like I was standing on a power saw! “Of course! Just bring the hard sums to me in class,” she said and walked away. I stood and watched as my only chance faded into the shard bend of the footpath that led to our village. The following Monday, I took the book to her when everyone was in class to show off that I had met her over the weekend. I earned the credit alright, but my story as much as it was embarrassing was better than my cousin *Pkors! *Pkor was a bit older than me and he had a much better experience. So, one day he made a daring move. He agreed with *Jebichii, another village beauty that he would appear at a bush next to their house when night fell. *Jebichii’s parents had very fierce dogs and *Pkor had made several attempts to befriend the dogs by going to the girl’s home during the day with pieces of Ugali and so, the dogs had come to welcome him because they knew whenever he came, manna fell from heaven. So, *Pkor left when night fell, we accompanied him with my younger brother halfway and hid in the forest waiting for him to return after meeting *Jebichii. After an hour, *Pkor appeared sprinting at the top of his speed screaming “Potea!” (Disappear). We did not wait for another word, we took off and ran until we were safely home then we sought to know what had gone amiss. It had been an unsuccessful “date”, he narrated. When he arrived at the compound, he hid at a bush near the house. Her mother was washing utensils and so, he stood behind the bush waiting for her to leave before signaling *Jebichii. They had agreed that he would throw a rock on top of the roof to inform her of her presence. The plan had gone so well. *Jebichii’s mother finished washing utensils and went back to the house but stayed for a longer time. Unknown to *Pkor, she was preparing beans and had just drained about five liters of boiled beans’ soup into a basin. Back in my village, we were taught that such soup had to be poured away far as it could make the compound smell. And so, unknown to *Pkor, he had stood at the point where *Jebichii’s mother usually pored dirty water. While *Pkor was busy planning how he would creep into *Jebichii’s bedroom when her mother went to bed, her mother approached with hot beans soup. The scalding heat woke *Pkor from his fantasies. He took off screaming, dogs hot on his heels. To date, we still think of that incident and laugh our hearths off.
Posted on: Wed, 15 Oct 2014 12:15:04 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015