Maha Monday: Fortune is a woman: if you miss her today, do not expect to find her tomorrow. - Bonaparte Dear Maha at Chai Latte Diaries, I’m not sure if I need an answer or just a good talking to – you seem to be good at both. I feel like time is slipping through my fingers and I want to make the leap to having a wife and family. I really do. But I just don’t feel ready. I’m in my late-30s and have been telling myself I need to do this for the last 6 years. Yet every year, I tell myself its just not the right time. I’m too busy with work or travel or something urgent that has to be done. I meet some very wonderful women, some of whom might be compatible if I gave it enough effort to find out. Yet after a few meetings I just fade away and can’t take it to the next level. And its not them, its me. Its fear or just laziness, I don’t know. I know I sound like a cliche, the man who can’t commit. But thats me, how do I change this? StuckandNotReady Dear Stuck, Congratulations on your awareness that it’s not the women, but definitely you. Yay you, on your self-reflection!! I’m not usually good about forcing people out of their comfort zone. Ha! Ha! Totes kidding. It’s kind of my thing, unintentionally. Okay fella, my two caveats are first, that my usual advice would, be don’t force yourself to do anything. But, you say that you DO want to change, so my advice is premised on your choice. Second, unless you are very seriously 100% solid and committed to this change, DO NOT START WHAT YOU CAN NOT FINISH. Because in this instance, you will be engaging another human person and your lazy behaviour will infringe on their well-being and time. NOT. FAIR. (*See Sidebar Ps. at end of today’s column.) First thing’s first, which is in fact, the only thing, the core of your issue: Contrary to what you wrote above, there is no such thing as “fading”. To use this word is to free oneself of responsibility, rendering us into passive non-participants, when in fact, to sit back and do nothing is a choice in which our person is complicit. It is the choice to NOT act / engage / respond / initiate, etc. Since you believe that you wish for things to change, you must in tandem acknowledge that you are therefore responsible for your choices (else, how will you change that which is beyond your control?). Stand up and repeat aloud: My name is Stuck and Not Ready, and I am an emotional sloth. (Are we fighting? Then why are you here and why did you call yourself ‘lazy’? Also, this is an advice column, which means that my role will sometimes amount to my wagging a finger at your behaviour because I will ask you to elevate yourself above it. Because I believe in you. Always.) Basically, you need to commit to no longer choosing to “fade”. Commit instead to actively engaging. No one knows you better than yourself (but for God, and maybe your momma) so list out all of the choices which you have thus far referred to as “fading”. I imagine your list will look a little like this: - Not responding to texts. - Not asking her out on a fourth or sixth date / meet & greet / coffee / prayer jam / inspirational talk / too-cool-for-school music gig / book/poetry slam / walk in the park. - Going out but not being present. - Calling it fading. Giving myself a pass, premised on non ownership of my own behaviour. Having a cookie instead. - Etc ad Infinitum. Keep this list on you at all times and read it very carefully before engaging with another woman in this context. Stick this list on your fridge / mirror / laptop screen / steering wheel where you will always see it. The moment that something happens and you start to “not respond to text” or “not ask her out on a 4th whatever…” automatically choose to do the opposite. Choose. To. Engage. Now. Stand up again and this time repeat: My name is Stuck and Not Ready, and I choose to no longer be an emotional sloth. Instead, I choose to be an active participant in the courtship scenarios of my life. Because, as Bonaparte stated so eloquently, “fortune is a woman: if you miss her today, do not expect to find her tomorrow”. Keep your prayers strong. I am in your corner, Maha Ps. Sidebar to all wo/men: It is NOT FAIR that you start engaging someone and then drop off the face of the earth. Unless you’re willing to see it through to it’s logical end, don’t start up, for the Love of God! No one is interested in or excited by the prospect of you walking us around a corner toward some watershed moment and then suddenly vanishing. This ever-increasing phenomenon is absolutely *brutal* on the hearts of those waiting around the corner because we believed you when you said you wanted to move forward with us and just hold on one second I’ll be right back. We believed you and we waited, our ice-cream melting all over our hands making a sad soppy mess while we stood saucer-eyed staring at every passer-by wondering which one was you. STOP. THIS. NOW. All of you. Go read a book instead. Dear Readers, Do you agree or disagree with Maha’s advice? Comment below and send us your questions! And visit Maha at OneFemaleCanuck
Posted on: Mon, 06 Oct 2014 08:00:01 +0000
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