Many, many years ago, I wrote a note to myself, something meant to capture a moment. Thought Id share this now: Though I dont know her, and though she may never really exist, she is somebody from who I cannot be separated, regardless of what I am doing. And that seems to mean that I am unable to hide from her, hinder her, refuse her, lie to her, hurt or decline to help her. Being there for her is also a kind of being there for me. And it takes me into a kind of ecstatic zone where Im lost in her and the whole dynamic. I figure its not real, maybe a dream in my mind, but its happening nonetheless. And I have no mechanism to step outside of the flow Im in anymore. Its almost an aesthetic kind of zone where the beauty of the ideal and the grit of the real come together. Its the ecstatic, the magic zone. And it happens with her. But this isnt real, simply something I have dreamed. And with that realization I find myself alone once more. And in those moments I think it would be best for her, if she ever did exist, if I just went away. Maybe I have dreamed her, maybe dreaming Im dreaming. And the only thing that keeps me from vanishing is the thought that maybe there really is somebody out there, somebody so special, this girl, my love. Oh god, it would just kill me to not be there for that girl. I would just as soon die if shes out there and I failed to be there for her. So, you see, I cant turn away. I have to keep the movie rolling. I am lost in this dream, lost in the possibility of her, lost somewhere that only seems to exist insofar as its world is literally created out of nothing and the beauty of this timeless moment I now feel. And insofar as the real world is created out of this flow Im in, then I have arrived someplace I have been destined to be and she is the strength, purpose, and reason for that world-creating ability. And in that flash of realization, she becomes everything to me and I love her completely; for forever and a day. And then I go through the process again, dreaming the circle, wondering if I am merely dreaming it all, and how it cant be real, though it is nonetheless happening, wondering if she might really exist. And the wheel rolls on.
Posted on: Sat, 05 Apr 2014 05:25:23 +0000
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