Many of you were a witness (in partial) to my latest breakdown. And as most of you know its always been easier for me to reveal myself through writing than to admit to my inner battle face to face... I want to issue a sincere apology to the completely innocent and undeserving victims of my latest breakdown. I was abusive and hurtful on purpose. I am deeply ashamed and embarrassed by what I have done. The inexcusable and reprehensible attack I spewed out on fb undeniably injured many. Hurts such as these will undeniably leave permanent scars on the hearts and souls of those involved. There is no excuse for what I have done. However, I am hoping that I might shed some light on what all happened and beg for understanding. I lied my way through most of December. I painted a smile on my face and attempted to fake my way through the worst Holiday season, even I, couldnt even imagine. When im near the edge of breaking and im in a crowd and somebody asks if im ok, I smile and shrug or say something flippant like Im here. I confided in a few close relatives and friends how I was really doing but short of being an ear or shoulder to lean on there wasnt a whole lot that could be done to alleviate the open wound I was trying desperately to pretend didnt exist. Jan. 7th I went to my Dr. in hysterics. I just kept repeating its not working, I cant do this anymore, something has to change. His reaction was to take me off half my med.s and put me on a low dose of Valium. I lasted about a week before I reached for the one thing I knew would numb the pain... a bottle. Thats when I stopped trying to fight the lies I whisper to my inner most self all the time. Thats when all I wanted to do was make others feel the way I was feeling. So I set out to plant the seed of fear/doubt, anger/mistrust, and pain/hurt in the minds of those who have been/are witnesses to my shame. After that I swallowed every pill I thought my hasten my demise. Then I stripped completely and climbed into the bath with a knife. I watched the water quickly turn red and sat there wondering how long it would take. I cant really remember how or why I ended up at the ER. 11 stitches later I was transported to the nearest mental facility with an opening. I cant say that after a week there, I am feeling any better. What I can do is try to paint the picture of my mental health well enough to plead for understanding. Almost everything I have had to do since getting out Friday afternoon has been excruciating. Confronting the horror of myself at my worst, just long enough to take down that post felt terrifyingly painful. I know many of you made comments. I am sorry, because I couldnt bring myself to read what I had written, let alone take on the anxiety of reading the resounding hurt I have caused. You are all justified in everything you said, felt, feel... I am not writing this in place of the conversations that still need to be had. But I cant quite handle the emotions I am having in simply thinking about those yet. I am writing this because I was publicly abusive and, as small a step as this is, I need to publicly apologize.
Posted on: Mon, 26 Jan 2015 02:52:17 +0000
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