Marriage, Love, Parents and Divorce (Yes! All in One!) And my son is her jewelry box #ScholarsWednesday A lot of you know my good friend Hanif J. Williams. Hanif and I talk regularly and we are planning to restart REAL-TALK with Sami Matar this summer, inshallah. Hanif represents a golden era of children of American converts that are often neglected by our community. Folks like Hanif, Safir Rab, Layla Muhammad and others have a treasure of stories, knowledge and wisdom that anyone could benefit from. Two days ago, Hanif and I were talking about the difficulties of marriage: Overcoming divorce, being single and how the norms that govern how we value women and men can be destructive when he mentioned the following: There was an American Imam whose son wanted to marry an amazing woman. The day of the marriage they sat down and her father said to the Imams son, Do you know what you are getting? Do you know how special she is? Do you understand how Allah has blessed you? Im giving you a gem, a jewel! Suddenly, the young mans father, the Imam, looked up and said, Hold on. Who do you think my son is? Do you know who you are getting? You are getting a wonderful, loving, responsible man. IF SHE IS A GEM, THEN HE IS HER JEWELRY BOX! They complete each other. Some Thoughts on Gender and Marriage Gender roles, as they play out now, in some of our communities, tend to place an unreasonable burden on women, and a feeling of perennial emotional debt on men. Instead of you get this and I get that, an attitude of we need each other to complement each other, to enhance our goodness and limit our weaknesses should be adopted. A box without jewelry is worthless and jewelry that is not protected loses its value. That Imam hit the nail on the head! Some Tips to Help 1. Seek mentors in the community that can share with you the reality of married life, walk you through the good and the bad. One of the unfortunate challenges in our communities is that love is not modeled. There is very little public display of affection. Remember! Our Prophet (sa) told people he loved his wife, modeling love. Since that model is not there folks are left in the dark or forced to adopt the nearest example available. Communities that have the capacity should offer this service to people interested in marriage. Added, is that divorced folks should be talked to as well. Just as we need marriage modeled to emulate best practices, divorce should be modeled to - to model its best (think about it) practices, too. 2. Do social events not marriage events - One of the strangest phenomena Ive seen is the Marriage event Singles event or the One Shot at Love event. Instead, put on social events and let folks work things naturally. Irregular activities create irregular results. 3. Marriage is not just a problem for the young - there are a large number of divorced folks and older singles in our community. We should value them finding a family the same we value the younger folks and events should reflect the maturity needed to help them. 4. See premarital counseling. It will help you in ways that you could never imagine. Look at it like a financial advisor who helps you see your financial potential and obstacles. A marriage counselor will help you site map your relationship and your expectations. Those are just a few ideas I have on the issue. Your Turn! What are thoughts on what could work well in the community - solutions? What ideas do you have? What has worked and what hasnt? Please contribute. I look forward to benefiting from you! Have a great day! Suhaib Webb
Posted on: Wed, 07 May 2014 19:21:23 +0000
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