Member Christensen: Paragon of the Enlightenment The Imbeciles and Dog Whistlers Sub-Committee extends its sincere gratitude to Member George Christensen (Sea Slug Category), for alerting our catering department to the hidden nexus between certain foodstuffs and international terrorism. For many years several high-risk condiments, including Vegemite, have been served in small snorkel shaped pots as part of the breakfast menu in eating halls designated for lesser category members, such as Christensen. Little did our head of catering, Gretchen von Ribbentrop (Miss), realise that a percentage of all Vegemite sales are redirected towards groups such as ISIS and other maniacal organisations determined to topple Western civilization and enslave its women. Thanks to Member Christensen’s vigorous investigations (cleverly based on anonymous Internet sites to obviate the risk of forcible conversion to Islam), we now know that the CEO of the Kraft Corporation, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, looms along side people who read books as the biggest threat to Western civilization since the universal franchise. At first our colleagues in the Extremist Food and Beveridge Monitoring Sub-Committee were sceptical at the gravity of member Christensen’s claims. However, a surveillance photo of al Qaeda chief Ayman al-Zawahiri attacking a piece of toast smeared in the salt, yeasty goodness of Vegemite – passed on to us by Christensen himself – dispelled any doubts. Eager to avoid a repeat of the embarrassment that was Sir Robert Menzies’ attempt to appease Japanese Prime Minister Tojo through weekly dispatches of passionfruit topped pavlovas, we have no choice but to impose an immediate ban on Vegemite and any other halal-friendly psychotropic substances, such as water, yoghurt, fruit and vegetables. Moreover, should any member be spied attempting to furtively consume one or more of these banned substances their names will be passed immediately to the Terrorism Hotline. The only exception will be the Cigar and Snorkel Bistro within the Golden Circle member’s facility, where patrons are medically required to consume large amounts of processed foods. This is so they can maintain the stamina needed to set an example to lower status members. This food ban should leave our critics in no doubt that the HHDRS opposes terrorism in all its forms and will play its role in international efforts to stymie Kraft’s insidious plan to establish a global Caliphate through the sale of condiments. Consistent with Member Christensen’s logic, we have also moved to shut down the Forever 21 girls apparel franchise located at the rear of the gift shop, despite the member himself appearing in a promotional fashion shoot for the label’s summer collection. Forever 21 is open about its multimillion-dollar donations to anti-gay Christian fundamentalist groups as well as its use of packaging to promote conservative Christian messages. Accordingly, the Committee feels it is important to protect younger female members from inadvertently funding terrorist violence carried out by fundamentalist Christian groups in the US through the purchase of cheap sweatshop produced clothing. One minute a younger member is buying a $5.00 tee shirt and the next they are being bundled into an unmarked van by Federal Police and asked to explain their support for the Army of God. The HHDRS cannot accept such contingencies! On the cusp of launching our new range of submarine-safe swimwear, the negative publicity generated by young members being belted with telephone books until they confess to supporting violent anti-gay and lesbian bombings and shootings in the US is too great to bear. Even accidental links to such campaigns risks obliterating our profit projections for the next quarter and, in the process, delaying plans to refurbish the submarine detection towers at Cheviot Beach. We cannot chance a HHDRS member biting into a Halal friendly Vegemite smeared Salada biscuit at morning tea only to find them strapping on a suicide vest in the afternoon. We cannot risk a younger member slipping on a Gospel friendly sequined tee shirt before dinner only to have them launch a Molotov cocktail at a Family Planning clinic before desert. Thanks to Member Christensen the connections between consumption and terrorist violence are now clear, and the HHDRS apologises for not detecting this link earlier. Relevant staff will be punished appropriately. However, members can rest assured that freshly enlightened by the forensically rigorous research of Member Christensen, we have now taken all available steps to protect members from the insidious ambitions of international terrorism. Emeritus Professor Festus Scrötal Head of Phrenology Imbeciles and Dog Whistlers Sub-Committee
Posted on: Sat, 22 Nov 2014 22:50:02 +0000
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