Merry Christmas everyone. With a line from one of my favorite movies, Ive chosen to do just that... Because at Christmas time you tell the truth... Last night I wasnt at my best, quite frankly, I was horrible, its been building over the last few weeks and I truly am sorry to anyone I may have hurt, upset, angered or deprived time from, I deeply, truly apologize and appreciate you beyond words. Some of my anger, harshness and blunt honesty, was deserved and for that I will not apologize. It may have felt unexpected or undeserved, but trust me it was not, some reactions I do have, are not because of my pain, but because of yours, but I cannot make you see these things in yourselves that you are unwilling or unable to accept and halt your growth into who and what I can see beneath it all. If I hadnt seen a glimmer of the real you hidden behind your walls or buried deeply within you, my gift wouldnt have compelled me to hold out my hand. I cannot make you feel whole, only you can do that, I cannot be your only friend, thats a selfish thing to expect of me. All I can do is give you understanding, love and patience and share how it once felt for me to be where you are and to listen. I know how alone feels, I cannot fix you nor the things in yourselves that cause you so much pain and uncertainty, that is up to you. I offer my friendship, dont take that lightly it is a gift and once a gift is given its yours to do with as you please. I just will not tolerate being abused anymore. That unsure, confused, ashamed little girl who so badly needed to please, to be loved no longer exists. I learned to love myself. I dont need you to like me, I no longer care, Ive wasted to many years worrying about what others thought and being hurt by giving to much. Up until this year, you may have thought you knew me, perhaps you only knew what you wanted to see or what you wanted me to be, now I can only be the me Ive discovered, the one I fought so hard to be able to be, even when others tried to keep me in a place that made them more comfortable. My life that I have lived and the people that surrounded me, made looking inward painful but those are where we find our answers. We grow differently and in our own time, we can ignore it, stall it, hate it, love it, be ashamed, embrace and be proud of it, there are no rules except the ones we self impose or the unrealistic ones that society places on us in the name of being civilized. These things or people in my life affected me in so many different ways, but I cannot control the actions or feelings of others, I can only be aware of my reactions. I try to be there when I can, please dont expect more from me than I am able to give, I have a family that suffers too and needs me. They dont always understand even tho they try to, and Ive hurt them while being there for others, often more than I am for them. The stress of last few years, months, days and the weather physically affect me, the nerve pain in my hand starts taking over, I can barely control how it affects my mood and the medication I have to take daily or as needed, makes me a nightmare, I know that its not an excuse for my behavior or words, its simply the truth. I try extremely hard everyday not to let it take over and I appreciate the heartfelt hugs and love and support, that is given to me and true understanding of how horrific this pain is, how deeply it physically and emotionally affects me and those in my life and It hurts me to cause others pain. Sadly tho, after days of rainy damp weather, work, stress and normal everyday tasks that are no longer simple for me, it takes its toll and becomes impossible for me not to be nasty, short and sometimes down right mean. I hate, but accept that because I worked and cared so deeply, I now have a constant reminder of how unappreciated I was and how I was used, in many areas of my life, how I let myself be used. More than occasionally, feeling sorry for myself and the impact of what this injury has done to me intensifies things about myself that I dont like but arent changeable. If you truly know me, know my heart and my soul you know that I am giving, loving and open to a fault, I see much and feel everything, I was created this way, I am special human being. I could no longer ignore my inner voice or the path my life had taken, it was time to move forward, and accept how it has shaped me. This is what I have learned I found I was someone I didnt like very much. For years, I felt like a failure, weak, unlovable. I found myself in unhealthy relationships, that damaged me severely, I could no longer see my own strength, my self worth, always needing to be rescued, I felt pitiful and was pitied. I was a mess on the inside and it reflected on the outside and made me into a doormat, easily taken advantage of. I hated feeling like I wasnt giving enough or good enough. Ive spent so many years lost, sad and filled with self hatred, doubt and sadness. Happiness was a glimmer I occasionally got to enjoy. I couldnt find myself or see clearly. I never got the chance to get to know or learn about Amber in the way so many of you take for granted or dont even realize that you got to live a life I know nothing about. I never went to college. I never fully lived my 20s or 30s. Ive been mommy since I was 18 years old, I worked hard for my children and put everything on hold even my maturity was stunted. Finding out that its ok to learn, question and explore. Seeing myself the way others do, believe me when I say, at times it was heartbreaking, humbling and elating. It has not been an easy journey for me nor my family or friends. I am so grateful for my circle of friends and yes that includes some of my family, because when I look around being family doesnt entitle you to a place in my life. Patience, love and loyalty helped me along the way. Those of you who nastily whisper about me behind closed doors, you do not know me. You know who you think I am, because it makes you more comfortable and not have to look at yourselves. Keep your self righteousness, whispers and closed mindedness, I do not have time to entertain them any longer. Those who truly know me and love me, know the struggles and the battles Ive been through to finally have the outside match the inside. Can you stand in front of a mirror and look yourself in the eye. I can.... You know what I see when I do... I see me, scars, damage, goodness and a truly amazing heart, albeit a bit tarnished, perhaps a bit jaded, its still my best feature. I can look myself in the eye, I can look others in the eye. I am innerly happy and no one will ever take that from me ever again. This is me take it or leave it, that choice is yours not mine. I finally choose me...
Posted on: Thu, 25 Dec 2014 09:33:39 +0000