Missing my sweet Farrah Love I still cannot seem to organize my thoughts, Ive been trying to post again for several days without success. I know one thing for sure, I miss her. I stare at her pictures, which bring me such joy and such sadness. I watch her home videos, we recorded her every move over the past several months. Shes even sweeter in the videos than my mind recalls. We watched videos again last night. We were both in tears, trying to catch our breath as we watched our precious Farrah playing with Arabella. Oh the heartbreak that both our girls lives turned out much different then we had planned. We wanted the kids to be close together, grow up two years apart. We were overjoyed with the news of having two girls, sisters. I thought of how they would laugh and play together, then how theyd talk about boys, go to college together and make fun of us for being annoying parents. Now, as I watched the video, Farrah has died and Arabella grows up alone. No big sister physically with her. She looks at Farrahs photos all over the house and squeals and giggles with excitement. Oh, how I wish things were different. I imagine how Farrah would react to Arabella sitting up and what she would be doing as we are feeding her rice cereal. Now, I realize Im terrified that something will happen to my other sweet girl. I found myself so fearful of imagining Arabellas future, scared to dream of her growing up and going to kindergarten and prom. Its so risky, Ive learned from Farrah to stay present in the moment, the present can even be scary. Ive never been the mom to worry about their child breathing or checking on them all night long. However, since I watched my first born transition to heaven, I get scared Arabella isnt breathing or something is wrong. I had to convince myself yesterday that she was fine as she took an abnormally long nap. Most parents worry about a sore throat or a runny nose, I see everything through the lens of a brain tumor and death. The rarest of the rare. Farrah was born with a VSD, a heart defect that required a cardiologist, is somewhat rare but not life threatening. Then, a skin disorder thats rare and had a specialist in Dallas. Then the rarest and deadliest brain tumor, the the rare stroke, then the rare spreading of her cancer. Rare does not comfort me anymore, we are the family with the rare kids. It can happen to us again and it can happen to your kids. Hundreds of children are dying of DIPG every year, have been for years and will continue without advancement in medicine. Oh, how I dream to hold her again, to undo what has been done, to just tell her mommy loves her again. But, I woke again this morning to only one little girl in my house needing me. Lord, please help mend my broken heart and hug her for me. Tell her mommy loves her.
Posted on: Thu, 18 Dec 2014 15:59:59 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015