Modesty aside, I think Im pretty good at this stuff: 1. DONT fail to have your money ready Were waiting on you. Everyone else is waiting on us. Therefore, by the Transitive Property of Equality, everyone is waiting on you. Rule #1: Have your stuff together. Not only will following Rule #1 get you served quicker in a bar, its a good general rule to adopt in life. All about efficiency, people. 2. DONt whistle. Just dont. You whistle at dogs, not people. 3. DONT wave money Oh, youve got a dollar! So does the guy next to you. 4. DONT yell out the bartenders first name Theres something unnerving about hearing your name called out, turning around and seeing a complete stranger. Thats one of the reasons strippers use stage names. Bartenders do too. Mine is Pixie. 5. DONT say make it strong! or put a lot of liquor in it Are you one of those rare people at bars who like their drinks strong? When you say this, its like youre assuming I make weak drinks (which is insulting) and youre assuming that Ill stiffen this one up for my new best buddy, you. This is the best way to get a weak drink. 6. DONT give the ever-expanding drink order You want a Bud. I go get it. I come back and now you want a Margarita. Okay, no prob. I come back, and (oh yeah!) now you want a shot of Tequila, too. You really could have told us this all at once. See Rule #1. 7. DONT pull the redirect (AKA the bait n switch) Usually used after the money wave or the whistle, this is when the gentlemen passes his turn to the lady behind him. Yeah, um, dont do that, okay? Chances are shes not ready, and your lame attempt at chivalry just cost you your turn. See you in thirty minutes... 8. DONT try the confused or lost look This is usually accompanied by the question What kind of beer yall got? while looking at all the beers we have. Bars generally have their liquor bottles on display and their beer handles in the center of the bar...at a bare minimum. A lot of bars have these crazy, laminated pieces of paper with words on them commonly known as menus. You do know how to order in a restaurant, right? Again, refer to rule #1. 9. DONT order High Maintenance shooters Example: Lemme get an Alabama Slammer, a Red Snapper, two Kamikazes, a Buttery Nipple and a Lemon Drop. Usually followed by a small tip. People, these shooters are fine by themselves, but there are multiple steps involved with each one. Translation: Time Sink. You may get them this time, but youll probably be waited on last the next time we see your face. Heres a clue as to whether or not youre high maintenance; if two bartenders are working and they see you, and they flip a coin and the loser comes over to take your order, pretty good chance youre high maintenance. 10. DONT assume we know youre in the band We know, we know, youre gonna be really famous, but youre not there yet, tiger. Tell us youre in the band and which band youre in...chances are well have something to talk about, since many bartenders are also in bands! Its not like we dont know how it is. (Oh, and our bands will smoke your band.) 11. DONT assume we know you. Period. Unless youve followed the first Do rule below, we dont remember you. You are one of a thousand faces for us, and when you point at an empty glass or a beer bottle thats invariably facing away from us, your attempt at a shortcut backfires. Please just tell us what you want. 12. DONT apologize for sucking Dont apologize for not tipping. Acknowledging that you suck is not the same as not sucking. Oh, and dont say Ill get ya next time. We know all about you. 13. DONT assume soft drinks are free Are they free at McDonalds? Are they free at Wal-Mart? Are they free anywhere? I blame M.A.D.D. for this myth. 14. DONT put pennies and nickels in the tip jar We dont want that crap in our pockets any more than you do. We dont have anything smaller than quarters. Have you ever ordered a drink that cost $3.17? 15. DONT be The Microbrew Aficionado Usually a pseudo-hippy who cant tip a quarter but cant bring himself to drink schwag, and who has to sample some new berry-wheat-harvest-ale that he heard about at Burning Man. Do you have the new Vernal-Equinox Special Welcome-Fest? Does Anyone? Heres your Newcastle. Go. 16. DONT be The Daddy Warbucks Dressed in classic day-trader wear, this loud, boisterous guy smokes cigars and orders Martinis and generally exudes an air of money. Until the tip. 17. DONT be a Whiney Baby Under no circumstances should you ever whine to a bartender when asked to see your ID. Our jobs depend on them, and when we spot a fake/expired ID, dont argue; weve seen and heard it all a million times before, and it will get you absolutely nowhere. If you dont have one or forgot it, forget it; you dont belong out on the town in the first place. Thats the law, plain and simple. Bring your ID. Remember Rule #1, from a minute ago? 18. DONT ask me to charge your phone behind the bar Every bartender is different about this, but if theyre busy no one wants to deal with your technology. Also, if you drink too much and leave your phone youre going to have a bad morning. And no bartender wants you to have a bad morning. 19. DO tip! If you tip well right off the bat, and youre the first person we aim for every time you come up to the bar. Did you get that? Go back and read it again. The word will spread to the other bartenders and youll be treated like a prince. It will pay off in better drinks, and, if our bar or restaurant allows us to do buybacks, the occasional FREE one. (Note: most bars allow bartenders to do buybacks, but some corporate restaurants dont allow this, even at the bar. Know this before you get mad at anyone.) 20. DO be patient All you really need to do to get waited on is make eye contact. We see you, and well definitely get to you before the guy right next to you waving money and whistling (see above). Remember, this isnt insulin were passing out here. If you really need the drink that bad, youve got a problem to address, Jack. The meek shall inherit the bar. 21. DO smile. Kindness and courtesy shall take you far in life...and at the bar. 22. DO ask me about drinks I work in this industry...theres a pretty good chance I know something about the wine youre drinking that you dont. Plus, I like to talk about my work. Cocktail bartenders and mixologists are particularly well-versed on liquor and the history of drinking. You might learn something and unwind at the same time. Who doesnt like that? 23. DO ask me about the neighborhood If youre from out of town, one of the best ways to get insider information about a city is by spending an hour or two at a bar. I want to tell you about my buddys record store down the block or my favorite restaurant right around the corner. 24. DO say thank you And please. And all those other polite words your mom taught you. 25. DO leave when the lights come up. Dont be that guy whos waiting around after close for one more. I want to go to get a sandwich and go to bed. Its the end of my work day, and I feel like you do by 7 PM at the office…possibly worse.
Posted on: Fri, 19 Dec 2014 14:08:59 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015