Mom Post: This is so long, so if you actually read all this, thank you! :) Hi all, some of you may remember I wrote in a few months back about taking emergency custody of my SS due to mental issues with the mother. BM has had several breakdowns, each dragging out over many months, exposing SS to some awful emotional abuse, and always ending with BM in the psyche ward and SS with us while she recovered. He was traumatised by these events at the time, but young enough to block out a lot of it and forget what happened by the time she was released. BM just pretends as if nothing happened, puts on her best behaviour, and we revert to the previous court order. No apology, no discussion, no explanation. This time, SS was a little older and more aware, and BM also put him in danger while she was ill, so we applied for and were granted emergency custody. By the time BM was released SS was still quite scared and didnt want to return at all, so we agreed only to minimal visitation and no overnights. We expected a return to the previous order in time (50/50) but when we asked SS what he wanted, he was insistent he wanted to stay with us. My partner never wanted to deal with court again, but said if thats what SS wanted then we would fight for it. Its been about 8 mths now of SS living with us, and over the last few months, visiting BM for a few hours each week, and the difference in him is remarkable in every way. Hes more social and outgoing, more relaxed, spends less time in fantasy land (used to be obsessed with games and no interest in real life), he eats 100% better, is willing to get out and excercise, is doing better at school (7 awards just this term!) and is just a happier kid all over. We had a court ordered mediation, which BM insisted he be involved in. We assumed he still wanted to stay with us but didnt want him to feel pressured, so all we told him was that it was super important to be honest at all times, and say what HE wants, not what he thought his parents might want him to say. After the mediator talked to each parent then SS, he talked to the parents separately to relay SSs wishes. He told SO that SS was very clear on what he wants, and that it was also apparent that BM has some mental issues, so under the circumstances he was going to recommend to the courts that SS stay with us and continue the minimal visits with BM. This was an amazing result... usually at this stage if no agreement is reached, its considered a stalemate and the mediator recommends a childrens lawyer. But the discussion and evidence was so compelling the mediator didnt even bother, just recommended SS stay with us, which is a rare outcome. He also confirmed what Ive thought for a long while... that SS feels little attachment to BM and has grown apart from her. As sad as this is, I think its inevitable with the way SS has been treated over the years. Ive often remarked that BMs jealousy over SS having a relationship with me (ranting and raving at him until he is in tears, lecturing him for hours about how awful I am, making him feel disloyal for liking me, and badmouthing/making threats towards me and his dad continually) is only pushing him further from her and closer to me as he seeks comfort, security, and the maternal bond he isnt getting from her. He also knows he can be himself with me... he doesnt have to walk on egg shells or watch his words, or pretend not to love certain people. So although I knew this in my heart, I was surprised that it was that apparent to a stranger in a short conversation, which I think is a sad thing, and I hope it will compel BM to change her ways. Anyway, bottom line is its looking good for us at this stage, and we are hopeful the mediators recommendations will see our case come to a close soon, with SS right where he needs to be. I do feel for BM on some level... as a mother, having your child choose to live with the other parents must be very painful to deal with. At the same time, a mother generally wants what is best for her child, and this child is far more happy and stable here. BMs mental illness is certainly not her fault, but the issue is, shes been emotionally abusive to SS even when shes supposedly medicated and well. She also had to make a choice at some point while she was well and functioning, to stop taking her medication, which is something Ill never understand as a mother. How could you make that choice knowing exactly where it has led in the past, knowing your child will be caught in the fall out and you will not be capable of parenting him whilst unwell? I dont know how Id feel in her shoes, but then again, there are a lot of things shes done that I would never, ever do, so its hard to relate. I feel bad for her, but I guess mostly I just feel elated for SS that for the first time in his young life, he spoke for himself, for what HE wanted, rather than letting fear or guilt or intimidation overrule him. I am so very happy for him, and excited at the prospect of him spending the rest of his teen years with us where we know he is safe and mostly protected from the ups and downs of BMs mental and emotional instability. I feel bad for her because as a mother Id never want to lose my kids, but at the same time, so happy for SS and my family. Do others feel conflicted in that way when things are going well for you but bad for BM? Thanks for reading! No bashing please ~o(Astarte)o~
Posted on: Thu, 20 Nov 2014 08:08:31 +0000
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