More rereading old things Ive written for myself...Ive been obsessed, at least in my better moments, with this notion of being awake, for many, many years. What that means to me has evolved, obviously, but stuff I wrote long ago still applies, Im learning.. This (below) was the first entry from a private online blog/journal I started seven years ago, in the midst of GREing and other grad-school app stuff...(for any super nerds out there a simple google search of prosoche will lead you to some really cool shit). ~ An attempt to keep myself awake. Whether its fit for public consumption, well, thats something that will come out in the wash. Of course what I mean by fit has its meaning bestowed by my own little private language. And this is my own little private place. The main benefit, as I now see it, of having this out (t)here is that, unlike my palpable journals (of which there are and have been many), this isnt quite as susceptible to having pages torn out in hopes of renewal (Though I suppose there may be some not so difficult deletion maneuver Im capable of but not yet privy to). Maybe, also, theres a simple way to make this just for me? Though I do have a certain (unhealthy?) curiosity as to what sort of soul might stumble upon it, eventually, and find its forms akin or familiar, even. Enough. Tomorrow I take the Gres. A woeful necessity, a blemish to start the bang. Thats one way to think of it - although the more I think of it so, the less I want to think so. The last time I took it I managed to (almost) skip the writing section altogether, and thus I find myself a year later blessed with the utter inconvenience again. This time its just the writing, and maybe the verbal, depending upon how much of that coffee-power churning through my veins is keepin on keeping on. Is this a pep-talk? I suppose it is. Go get em buddy! Its not the test itself I want to think about - its the moments between. Between all of these events that constitute the necessary steps of where I want - [or think I want, at the very least: aim] - to be is all this life, life that in similarly structured past situations has let itself be swept up into the unlived flurry of those events themselves, the surrounding anxieties and unimportant worries, and somehow I let those transpose my way of being into something that isnt. In short, I flee into distraction. Tomorrow, and now (and ever always), I dont want to be distracted. I want to be awake. And that requires vigilance, prosoche. And hopefully this is a help in that. Saying it to myself loud and clear. LOUD and CLEAR. And clearly. And it isnt just those moments in between. If I can be there, and I mean really be there, continually and with constancy, then those events themselves - those Gres, those writing samples and personal statements - they can become part of that being there too, they can get soaked up in the moment themselves. And if you can make it one big moment...well, then youll be awake.
Posted on: Tue, 29 Jul 2014 14:10:55 +0000
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