Morning December 19th, 2014 We are closing in on Christmas, a time we all love for different reasons. For many it is a time of festive celebration. For others it is the answer to a prayer of redemption and forgiveness. There are so many things that come with this day that are wonderful. There are also those that attack the day and mock the “fairy god” and spew other blasphemous names. I do not let myself get too caught up in that argument. It is fruitless and of little value to try and talk to people whose hearts are so hardened and minds are so poisoned that they have no tolerance for Christians or any other religious views. For me and I think for others in my family to a lesser or greater degree, this day will be good, but it will also be very difficult. We are going to have Christmas day, we are going to have the tree and maybe dinner here as well. We will also feel the depth of loss behind our smiles and good and brave facades. We are learning to look better, to sound better, and to be better when our daughter is the subject of a conversation. Most of the time it is sincere on my part. Sometimes I put up the wall so I can get through the moment without showing my true feelings. I just never know when I will feel the sorrow or I will be able to carry the conversation forward without too much emotion. I read somewhere and I wish I had bookmarked it so I could give proper recognition to the author; that grieving is all those feelings and emotions that one has inside themselves. Mourning is taking those feelings and expressing them in some way, like I am doing, writing. Hurting deeply inside is grief, crying and expressing words of loss is mourning. In this new journey I have tried to stay away from displays of dramatic feelings, dramatic words and over stated words about loss and death. Those sweet words and sweeter expressions do not help me and they do not reflect the kind of person Kendra was in my opinion. She was real and very forthright, sometimes blunt, but always as far as I know honest until sometimes it hurt. Kendra could tell you the truth without using the sharp side of the knife if she wanted. She could also let a person know that in her way of life their actions were inappropriate and there was no mincing of words. I am going to cross a bit over that line of emotional expressions with a few quotes. I cannot always pull words together the way I want to write them. God on the other hand directs me even when I am at a loss. Here is where others have provided words of mourning that help say some things I feel. I know that so much of my own emotions have been written here. It was enough to go through my own loss process without incorporating the thoughts of so many others. Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she is, but she is not, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity. Author unknown I think this applies to dads as well. It has been said time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind protecting its sanity covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but its never gone. Rose Rose Kennedy was well acquainted with loss and I suspect her words were as much an expression of experience as they were an expression of mourning. I agree with her, I am learning to protect myself from my emotions with my mind. Protecting myself like I have described is complicated. “Pain and suffering have come into your life, but remember pain, sorrow, suffering are but the kiss of Jesus - a sign that you have come so close to Him that He can kiss you.” Mother Teresa Mother Teresa lived among the living who were dying. Her eyes held the last memories of so many breaths of so many hearts beating. Her spirit was large and her talents were rare because to be in the kind of places she would go, her mind also had to be able to compartmentalize everything she lived through. That is something I am acquainted with through my work as a hospital homebound teacher. To live by your mind while your emotions are experiencing the difficulties others are dealing with takes a certain discipline. Sometimes one can be seen as cold and unaffected by others. That is not the case, but one cannot let emotions guide their decisions when they are in a care giving capacity or teaching position. Each day moving toward the 25th seems to bring more weight to everything we ever did with our family. Some traditions will stay with us. Some will no longer make sense. Our hearts are vulnerable and our memories are muddled because we want to feel good about past moments. Those same memories sting because of the reminder that can come to us. I pray for those who have experienced loss and the inexpressible grief that only they know. I pray for the goodness of God’s moments that can appear soothing the broken heart and hold the arms that were once full, but are now empty. I know God is good. Papi.
Posted on: Fri, 19 Dec 2014 11:40:00 +0000
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